Sounds Of The Underground

So, a brief (it will most likely be lengthy) recap of the concert yesterday. It was one of the best band line-ups for a large scale tours that I've been to. I actually have almost nothing to complain about from the day, except that my ex G/F was there, but she certainly didn't ruin the day for me. So, without further delay, my run down of the bands that played (in order of appearance), and my thoughts on the show.

An overview - The sound was incredibly loud. I think this was an outdoor show at some locations so with all that equipment inside, it made for an amazingly loud show. Thank god for earplugs, and I feel for anyone who did not wear them. The low end bass and kickdrum notes were capable of paneling your body to the point that breathing was difficult, which was absolutely amazing. My only complaint is "core-kids" and their ridiculous pit etiquette. I don't understand how karate kicks became a part of moshing, but there were a number of people kicking away like they were trying to impress Mr. Miogi from The Karate Kid (wax on, wax off).
DevilDriver - My first time seeing them live. I don't think any of the other bands could have worked the early crowd up as good as this band did. I enjoy their music (although it is a little accessible to the masses) and they put on a great show, especially given the opening time slot.

A Life Once Lost - My first time seeing them live. I love there music as it is extremely complex and technical. Unfortunately, this doesn't translate into a live setting very well. The music itself and the musicians were absolutely fantastic but the singer just didn't seem to fit that well into the live setting. I still enjoyed seeing them.

All That Remains - My second time seeing them. They were fantastic the first time around and they continued that trend with this performance. Definitely one of my favorites of the day.

Madball - My first time seeing them live, and I actually skipped out on this to have a drink or two. They are typical "Tough guy" hardcore music which is always fun in a live setting, and they sounded like they put on a good show.

High On Fire - My first time seeing them live, and I missed them as well. I actually didn't even pay attention to their set.

Terror - My first time seeing them live, and I skipped out on them too. They are another "tough guy" hardcore band, and quite enjoyable on CD.

Throwdown - Second time in a live setting. I love their "Tough guy" hardcore music built around the very moshable breakdowns. I saw them in Vancouver, and they manage to energize the crowds extremely well. Excellent moshpits ensue when these guys take the stage.

Every Time I Die - First time seeing them live. Another metalcore band that transfers their music well into the live setting. I quite enjoyed their set, and wish they would have had a longer time on stage.

Norma Jean - First time seeing them live. I love their music, but spent the time they were playing in the beer gardens. They sounded extremely good, and seemed like they were pretty faithful to their recordings. It sounded like it was a pretty good set.

Strapping Young Lad - Second time in a live setting. Probably the loudest band on the tour (and possibly the world). Devin and crew completely obliterated the crowd and always put on a fantastic show. They also receive best finale of the day with Devin's comment "suck a turd to a point, and then stab yourself with it... I fucked all of your mothers". Not a whole lot more needs to be said.

GWAR - My second time seeing then live. Now, this is where things started to get really interesting. I had no intention of being at the barrier for this, but that's where I ended up. For those that are not familiar with GWAR's stage antics, they are known for bringing a bunch of props out on stage, and dismembering them spraying blood colored fluid onto the audience. They also have water "cannons" on each side of the stage that spray blue and green fluids on the audience as well. And, they shoot a long ways as well. I will upload pictures of myself in my post SOTU appearance, which is pretty disgusting. My shorts, socks, shoes, and boxers were all a rainbow of red, green and blue colors. When I got home, I discovered that under my 2 shirts, my skin had also turned a lovely blue color. It was a good thing I had a spare pair of board shorts in the car, so I at least got to change into something a little cleaner. I had to do 3 loads of laundry and spent an hour scrubbing my shoes in order to get things clean. In the end, 1 pair of boxers and the socks I was wearing got tossed, as they remained a lovely pink color (and I don't care if pink is the new blue, I'm not wearing pink socks). The shoes have mostly recovered, as did the board shorts, and the shirts were thankfully dark colors. I love a GWAR show... but I dislike the results of a GWAR show.

Poison The Well - Second time seeing them live. I love their hardcore music, and they put on a very good set, much like the first time I saw them. Good energy and the crowd took really well to their set. I stood back a little for this set as I was preparing for the next acts, but thoroughly enjoyed their time on stage.

Chimaira - First time seeing them live. Having acquired a copy of there 3rd release (due out next week), I was really looking forward to this band. They put on a very good show, and from my spot at the very front barrier I had an excellent time in the pit and still saw their performance. They had synthesized extremely low bass notes that, from my spot on the floor, would completely crush your chess from the pressure created by the speakers. It also made it very tough to breathe or swallow then they hit those notes. I've never been to a live event and had that much pressure coming out of the speakers. Kids, wear your earplugs, because I know that kind of pressure happens in the 130 - 145 decibel range, and that is extremely damaging (not that 12 hours of metal isn't gonna hurt without ear protection). They were extremely good live, and I look forward to seeing them again.

Opeth - First time seeing them live. This is what I come out for. The other bands were just building my energy up for this. They played only 4 songs, but they took their entire 45 minute set to do so. First up was Deliverance, and they pretty much hit all 14 minutes of that song note for note. Unbelievable how well they recreate there music in a live setting, and Åkerfeldt’s vocals were spot on. His vocal range is second to none in the metal world, and he just seems to create thosgutturalal growls with such ease, and then turn around and blow you away with such a tranquil clean passage. Amazing is all I have to say. They followed up with To Rid The Disease, a slow song with no heavy parts. Once again, they hit is note for note, and left the audience completelspeechlessss and quiet during the entire song. Next up was The Grand Conjuration from their upcoming Ghost Reveries release. I was probably one of the only people in the crowd that had heard their new stuff, and they did a fantastic job on this song. This was another heavier song, with a slightly different sound, but it was excellent in a live setting. The last song was Demon Of The Fall from the My Arms, Your Hearse album. This is a Opeth fan favorite, and the perfect end to their set. Not much more needs to be said, and I could have left extremely happy at the end of this set. I will see them again on their Ghost Reveries tour, there is no doubt about that, it's just a matter of finding out where they will be. Opeth is absolutely phenomenal in a live setting, and I recommend that everyone see them.

Clutch - First time seeing them live. After Opeth, Clutch really had their work cut out for them. Their blue oriented sludge-metal is extremely fun music, but I really wasn't too interested in seeing them, even though I love their music. They put on a good set, but were just not very lively on stage. They were fun to see, just not after Opeth.

Unearth - Second time seeing them live. I have forgotten how great this band is live. There set was extremely high energy, and a perfect finale before thheadlinerrs. They worked the crowd up extremely well, and it was apparent that they won a number of new fans from their first visit here with Slipknot. It was good to see the crowd take so well to a number of these lesser known bands.

Lamb Of God - Second time seeing them live. I flew to Vancouver to see this band the first time when they played with Fear Factory and Children of Bodom. That should tell you where they sit on my favorites list. Their set started out a little rough as the sound was not set up correctly. The lead guitar completely drowned the other guitarist out. That was quickly remedied and from that point on they completelpaneleded the crowd with their "Pure American Metal". Both times I have walked away from their shows completely amazed with their stage presence. In terms of pure energy, no other band could even compare, and the crowd really fed off of that. I had a fantastic spot located at the barrier to the right of the stage, located directly in front of one of the guitarists.

Well, that's a rundown of the bands. Opeth and Lamb Of God were the best of the day, followed by Unearth and All That Remains. If the opportunity arises, do your best to catch any of these bands live, and make sure you experience the mosh pit as it just makes the show that much better.

As a note, I spent many hours in the mosh pit, and did not end up with a single pit related injury. I did however have to go to the first aid room in order to be patched up after an encounter with a set of stairs that got the better of one of my fingers. I was leaning harmlessly up against said stairs and out of no where they decided to cut open my finger. Bastards... they took advantage of the fact that my back was turned and got a surprise attack in. I got them back by bleeding all over them... and all over my shorts, and my shirts, and my leg, and my arm. It was an impressively deep cut... pretty sweet. Pictures will no doubt be posted to show the carnage.

So, that was Sounds Of The Underground. I will support this next year if it comes around. Like I said before, there just couldn't have been a better line-up of bands.

I = Happy

today was the day

"If there was a single day I could live... a single breath I could take... I'd trade all the others away."

That is the first line of lyrics from Lamb Of God's Ashes Of The Wake album.

This is a brief overview of the day:

18 Bands
+ 12 hours of metal
+ 1 visit to the first aid room
+ 3 colors of unknown GWAR fluids
+ 2 earplugs
= 1 very satisfying day

I'll add a much more detailed review of the day when I'm not quite so tired. It sucked having to spend almost an hour scrubbing myself and my clothes in order to get that strangely colored GWAR goop out.

Today's the day...

Today, I see Opeth live. I can happily cross another band off the top of my must see live list.

Carry on now, there is nothing else to see here.

And my vacation comes to an end

Well, talking with the insurance company this afternoon, they are most likely revoking my claim. I will get a cheque for this week, and I don't think I should be expecting any more from them. My case files are being sent to some doctor in Toronto for review, but I was told it is not looking good. They feel that they can not continue to pay me while I wait around for a number of months to get appointments with other doctors. Since I will be reaching the 6 month mark, I would be transfered onto long term disability and they said that my issues will not qualify for a long term claim. Naturally, I won't hear anything confirming this until next week. I knew that eventually I would have to deal with this, but I guess I still don't feel capable of doing this just yet.

Suddenly I'm forced to develop a plan. I think it's going to be a stressful weekend. I guess we'll see how well I can cope with the sudden introduction of the stress of having to find a job. I know for a fact that I'm not returning to the hell that I worked at before.

I'll be alright. Things always work out for me so I just have to keep believing that I'll find something that I can do productively. One of the other things I will have to worry about is how this will interupt my doctor appointments. It will be tough starting a new job and trying to schedule appointments around work if it happens to be during the day. Things will work out.

Interesting

And so, on this 27th day of July, I suddenly became productive. Nobody should get too excited right now, as I am not confident enough to add work stress back into my life right now. However, this is a strange feeling. I've spent the last 4 months fighting an internal battle every time I wanted to do something. Lately, I've really been trying to do "me" stuff. I haven't been hanging out with my friends as much lately, and I think that may be because I'm spending time detailing the problems that I currently have, and doing my best to accept that this is the way things may be for a while. This is in no way giving up, but coming to terms with the issues I'm having, and trying to figure out how best I can move forward with my life. Things could always be worse, and things have definately been worse for me in the past. It will still take me a little bit of time to come to terms with this stuff, however, I am making considerable progress.

Now the the productive part. I love music, so it only makes sense that one of my hobbies is the neverending pursuit of audiophile quality stereo systems in both my car and for the home. I don't do this to have some material object that is better than other people, it is solely for my love of music, and the fact that I love the building/fabrication part of installing or building stereos. Since I'm on a budget, I'm using average, or slightly above average equipment and spending the time and energy on a very good installation in my car. The installation can make or break the quality of sound in a system, which is what I'm after. I want the sound to be so crisp and clear that it allows the listener to hear things in recordings that may be missed on other systems. Basically, my goal is to be able to recreate the sound of a live symphony orcestra inside my car. If you've been to the symphony you'll know there is a huge amount of sound to take in, but the music halls often chosen for that kind of music offers a fantastic environment that allows each group of instruments to be heard. So, today I actually started the installation. I've run some of the power wires, and have one of the amplifiers in the trunk. I'm just waiting for my new Alpine head unit in order to get the rest of this installed. Tonight, I spent almost 4 hours just running wire and had most of the interior pulled out of the car in order to keep the wiring hidden. Everything is back in place now, and hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to pick up my new CD player and finish the front stage of the installation. This has been a huge accomplishment because not only did I actually get the motivation to do this, but I also didn't quit halfway through in frustration. So, I actually accomplished every goal I set out for myself when I started tonights project. YAY for me. I know this may not be that exciting for a lot of people... but until you have to fight with my brain you never understand how wonderful I feel about what I've done today. once again... YAY for me.

I'm ready for a shower.

It's here

That's right ladies and gentlemen... the moment I have been anxiously waiting for:

OPETH's GHOST REVERIES is in my hands (or CD player is a little more accurate). I am in the process of giving this my first listen, and will undoubtedly post a review of this album tomorrow. I am a happy happy metalhead this week. I will be seeing them live on Friday, and can barely contain my excitement. I will also be posting a review of that whole show.

Now back to letting my ears enjoy this beautiful music.

What I should be doing... or what I want to be doing

Lately I've been evaluating the goals that I have in my life and lately have been analyzing the role that my family has played in those goals. I grew up in a family of workaholics. My dad has done very well for himself with only 2 years of education. He rose through the ranks of a very large corporation only to be forced into early retirement once one of his projects was completed. He has since started his only consulting company and is doing very well with that. My younger sister is completing her masters of Psychology and has managed to get a number of her articles published in various journals. She's also done very well with her schooling, and should do well in the future. My mom did very well in her career until she started having kids. Her and my dad graduated from the same course in '68, and she actually started with a company making a good deal more than my dad did. This is pretty significant given that women were just starting to have a place in the workforce at that time.

I have known for a long time that I was the black sheep of my immediate family. At the age of 28 I still have not been able to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. It's taken a while, but I'm close to completing my university degree, and have a diploma in computer programming as well. The companies that I've worked for have been very happy with my work, and it shows by the constant promotions that I have received at those jobs. It's quite obvious that I'm a hard worker and quite intelligent, but I'm just not happy with my life. I'm happy with the person that I am, but not with the direction that my life has taken.

So, what's the problem? I think I've been trying to live my parent's life because that's how I grew up. I don't mean to sound like I've been living my life how they wanted me to, because it's obvious that I'm not. It's more that I've been trying to compare my life to theirs, which is almost impossible to do because things are very different now compared to when my parents were my age. I have been led to believe that success is defined by your career accomplishments and your ability to properly plan for the future. In their minds, today is not as important as tomorrow is. But what happens when tomorrow becomes today?

This brings me to the title of this entry. The difference between what I should be doing and what I want to be doing. I have discovered there is a very big difference in these 2 things. According to my parents, I should be saving for the future, I should be working on developing a career, I should be planning to make sure that if anything happens to my health I can still survive. This is the kind of stuff that has been haunting me most of my life. The interesting thing is that something has happened to my health, and I'm still surviving. I will note that I am surviving with a lot of my parent's help, but they want me to be able to pursue every option towards recovery that happens to become available. They volunteered, and they understand the things that I need to keep my spirits high through these times. I do love them for this.

So, what do I want to be doing? This is not such an easy question for me to answer. What do I want to do? I am extremely quick to pick up anything computer related to the point where it often doesn't challenge me anymore, but I'm not sure this is the right direction for me. I know that business analysis and process enhancement is something that I find very interesting, mostly because of the constant learning that is involved. I'm close to finishing my finance and accounting degree, but I don't actually intend on pursuing work in these specific fields. It's too bad that they force you to choose your major prior to giving you a lot of real experience in those fields. The education is a great base for entrepreneurial ventures that I have planned for the future, and is beneficial in most positions in a company. I have done a good amount of accounting based work in the past, and know that is not the area that I want to actually work in, which is why it's my minor. I'm a self taught mechanic, and have been pretty good at diagnosing and fixing a lot of my car problems in the past. I have also developed a great interest in electronics, specifically audio, and probably know more than I should about audio and consumer electronics in general (way more than most sales people). I have started learning about woodworking as a craft, and have decided that I would like to design and build some of my own furniture. This also relates to my audio interest as I would love to get into building home audio speakers from scratch by building the cabinets, the electronic crossovers and properly finishing everything. I have worked for a construction company, and while I was more of a gopher, I still learned the proper way to build things, and how developed some fantastic project planning and management experience. I am very interested in bartending. I have wanted to do this for a long time, but have never pursued it. I think that experience would benefit me in at least one of the ventures that I have in mind for the future. Yet, strangely enough, I'm not sure what I want to do.

The more that I think about it, the more that I want to see the world. I don't just want to travel, I actually want to live and work in other countries in order to better experience the various cultures. I would also like to possibly do some classes overseas as well. I think that I can take much more from those experiences than trying to develop a career here. There is plenty of time in my life to make a career out of things after I get some of this other stuff out of the way. I have decided that I want to make this happen sometime in 2006. I don't have much in the way of a plan at this time, but I am going to work on developing a draft plan in next couple of weeks.

This entry was spawned by the fact that there are certain things happening right now in my brain. It's tough to explain but I think I'm coming out of my mental block. I still have a lot of troubles with memories. I still struggle to remain on a certain task. I still need to keep things journalized. My self awareness is still very fuzzy. I'm still struggling with my highs and lows as well and some of the anti-social behavior that goes along with this stuff. And, naturally, I'm still not sleeping. However, I have noticed that I want to do more things.

I am getting to the point where I'm ready to install the stereo in my car. This is something that I've been looking forward to doing for a while now. I love a great sounding audio system, but I also enjoy the creation of that system. I mean, it involves electronics, music, and woodworking/handcrafting things... what more could I ask for based on my interests above. I have sat around thinking about this and have always been afraid that I would start it and not be able to finish it properly. I've decided that I'll be starting slow and getting the stuff I have right now installed. I see this as a very good sign, because I'm at least starting to want to do the things that I love to do again, which hasn't always been the case lately.

Today my therapist asked me where I see myself in 5 years. It was a tough question for me to answer right now because I have no actual direction as most of my energy is directed towards my health issues. I can't tell you what I see myself doing. I can't tell you where I see myself living. I can't tell you if I see myself married or seriously dating anyone. I honestly couldn't create any sort of mental image at all. The only thing that I could provide as an answer is that I see myself being happy.

So, after an entire day of thinking about where I see myself in 5 years, I haven't really developed more of an answer yet. I will end this entry with this thought though. I fully believe that this experience right now will allow me to point myself in the right direction and allow me to figure out what I want to be doing. On the bright side of things, at least I can honestly say that I am happy with myself, and believe I do have a positive effect on the world that I interact with.

Pants... It's definately been a while

Tonight is the first time I've worn pants in probably 2 weeks. Actually, to provide more than enough information, this is the first time I've worn boxers as well in that period. I've been commando in my boardshorts for the last 2 weeks, thanks to some fantastic summer weather. Given that it's Friday and I actually have plans to go out and do something, I felt it necessary to dress a little more appropriately. Since the prospect of bar hoping and women chasing is on the horizon, I'm back to my normal attire for the evening.

I am determined to start working out. The belly really isn't that big, but I continue to look down, and it just shouldn't be there. I don't need to be huge, but I should have some abs showing and it shouldn't take me too long to find them. I mean, honestly, I don't have a job right now, so why aren't I doing this. Motivation. I'm going to have a workout started by Monday.

The other obstacle that continues to block my way is the introduction of new drugs every couple of weeks that seem to just confuse my system. As an example, the latest drug has kept me in bed almost all day today. I'm kind of in a fog, and feel so tired. Naturally, now that the evening is here, I'm finally waking up... and I actually feel pretty good right now. Much better than I did all day long. I'm interested in seeing what I feel like tomorrow.

Well, time to find out what tonight will hold.

YAY for more drugs

Another week, and another couple of doctor visits. I'm slowly adapting back to life without the sleeping pills. I'm quite tired today, and somewhat cranky, but I think it has more to do with the hangover and dragging my ass out of bed at 7am (I closed down the lounge last night) to go to my counselling appointment at 8am. I have decided that is entirely too early for me to be up. After my appointment I went back to bed until noon and might have only slept for a tiny little bit. It was kind of nice and comfy in there so I wasn't in any hurry to get out.

In place of the sleeping pills, I'm now testing out a small dosage of another anti-depressant that is supposed to be very effective at adressing sleep issues associated with depression. So, starting tonight, we'll see how this works for a week, and it is ok to be taking this small dosage with the other anti-depressant. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Obligatory Music Post: I'm quite excited as I just got the latest release of one of my favorite local (sort of) bands. I highly recommend that everyone check out Portal's website and have a listen to the music they have posted on there. The new production is fantastic on this album, especially for an independant release. I only wish I had my stereo set up in my car to really find out how well this album sounds.

I guess I'll post more when I am feeling a little more wordy.

Withdrawal... Possibly

I kind of laugh about this, because I couldn't imagine what a true drug addict would experience when going cold turkey from their chosen drug.

With the removal of my drug of choice (sleeping pills) again, I actually do have some withdrawal symptoms that I have to deal with. I have the headaches, which tend to start in the late afternoon/early evening. I think these will probably last for about a week or so and then I'll just notice one day that I'm no longer having them. There is the obvious return to my strange sleeping behaviour as well. But the most interesting thing is the fact that I'm uncomfortable in my skin right now. I am normally a little restless whenever I'm just sitting around, however this is something completely different. My whole body actually feels like one big itch right now. I experienced this last night as well, and it was a little difficult to deal with but it's just another thing that I have to accept while doing this whole thing. However, it's driving me crazy right now. I'm really glad I'm not dealing with something that is far more addictive.

I'll just note this in my book, and hope I can remember the next time I have a friend who is trying to quit smoking. Maybe I'll be a little more sympathetic towards their "nic fits". Or... maybe not.

Still Tired

My dad just got up to start his Monday, and I'm still trying to end my Sunday. And the sun is starting to come up.

The worst part of all of this is that no one can tell me what is wrong with me. It's 4 am now, and I actually feel more awake than I have all day. Maybe I should actually be giving some serious thought to the idea that I should work at night. What could I do? Why do all my thoughts lead to being a bartender or some bar related activity?

Shall I try sleeping? Do I even know how to do that anymore? Maybe I need to go to school to learn to sleep (I've always slept well in school)? Maybe that's what the sleep psychiatrist will do for me? Maybe I shouldn't ask so many questions. And just maybe I shouldn't use maybe so much in my sentences.

Now I'm just getting strange.

So Tired

Well... my negative post streak continues. I promise that I'll do a positive post one of these days. For now, this is just my release for the problems that continue to plague me.

I have a suspicion that I'm dependent on the sleeping pills again. I've noticed in the last week that I'm not able to get a nap in if my body is telling me I should. Usually, if I get tired enough, I'm able to actually fall asleep for a little while. I attempted sleep without the pills last night, and was unsuccessful. I couldn't even keep my eyes open, yet couldn't sleep at all. I gave in, and took 1 pill at about 4:30 or 5 am, and finally went back to bed around 6ish. Today wasn't too productive at all. The pills usually leave me unable to function for about 8 - 10 hours, so I'm kind of stuck in bed until I can start to move around safely. I finally pulled myself out of bed around 11 am and ended up back in bed trying to nap around 2:30. Naturally, I failed again. I had a nasty dizzy spell hit me while I was eating supper. I'm not sure what happened there, but it put me on the couch with a bad headache for most of the night. Which reminds me that I've had the constant headaches in the evenings again. Add in the fact that I'm quite anti-social lately and this all seems just a little too familiar to me.

I am able to function relatively well if I can let my sleep patterns control my life. By this, I mean that if I sleep when my body wants (generally around 5am and 3pm) I am actually fairly stable, and can function pretty well. This does bring to light the obvious problem that I'm not really keeping to the rest of the world's schedule. What does a person do when the doctor recommended solution to one of his problems causes more problems? Well, in my best interest, I'm pulling myself off the pills again. Starting tonight, I'm going cold turkey and going to deal with developing my own sleep patterns again. I only have 2 pills left, and haven't refilled my prescription, so I have no choice but deal with it, which is perfectly fine with me. It means that I just can't turn back to my dependency. I'll be calling my doctor tomorrow to discuss this with her, but she'll have to figure out something better for me than this solution. I'll also have to do my best not to take the upcoming sleep deprived frustrations out on the wonderful people in my life. Regardless of my anti-social behavior, I still have lots of love for the following people (in no particular order): the family, Dara, Angela, Heather, Suze, Brandi, Christa, Theresa, Natasha, Mel and of course the guys too (just because I can meet women easier when they don't think I'm dating the girls I hang out with).

I am now in queue for an appointment with a Psychiatrist that apparently specializes in sleep disorders. I had the phone interview with her on Monday, and I guess I "qualify" for an appointment with her. The problem is that she has a 4 month waiting list. The insurance company will not like it one bit if they have to pay out on this for another 4 months minimum.

This "grey area" that I'm sitting in causes them a lot of difficulties and I can see how some people could abuse the situation because they can just claim that they are depressed. I just wish the insurance company would allow for a little more time before constantly requiring updates from my doctors. It seems like every 2 weeks I have to have shit sent into them and then wait for an update from my representative to see if I have money coming my way or not. I doubt she understands the unneeded stress and problems that this all causes for me. Once again, I go back to the physical versus mental issue being the problem, and that I just don't think they are properly informed on how to approach the situation with patients that struggle from mental related problems. I can't really comment on this lady's background in education or previous experience, however she is one of the more insensitive people that I have to deal with during this crap. Whenever she calls, she asks how things are going, and because she is my rep, I think she should be informed if I'm struggling, so I am open about it to her (not completely, but enough to get the point across), and then she goes straight into commenting that she is unsure about my issues, and how she thinks I really should be back at work.

Until this point in my life, I have taken my jobs and my schooling very seriously. And while I've run into a problem or 2 along the way, I do take offense to people calling me lazy. I worked my way through an entire company before, starting from part-time data entry to doing the majority of the Comptroller's position minus the financial management area of that job. At my latest company, I was promoted after 3 months, and was onto my second promotion in less than a year. Had I not started struggling so much with my health, then I'd probably have moved beyond that job already. I am not lazy when it comes to working, and if I could be back at work, no matter what my feelings were towards my job, I certainly would be. It makes sense, as I make more money, have more to do throughout the day, and there were certain things that I did enjoy about it. However, I am just unable to function at a point that would allow me to be productive enough that I think I would be earning my wage. Most likely, I would be asleep at my desk in the afternoons. And really... does anyone think I actually enjoy spending 2 - 3 hours of my afternoons laying in bed, so I can possibly get 30 minutes of sleep? Trust me, I feel like I'm just wasting a lot of my life here. Being a night owl does have it's benefits sometimes, but there is no way I would choose this kind of lifestyle.

Obligatory music post: Apparently my death metal interest has given way to the metalcore scene sometime this past week. For those unfamiliar with the genre, it's a combination of the metal and hardcore genres, and is usually characterized as songs built around breakdowns that just make you want to bang your head. Current playlist includes: Bleeding Heart, From Here On, Burn The Priest (also known as Lamb Of God), Embrace Today, The Taste Of Blood, Since The Flood, End Of Days, To What End, and Byzantine. It's sad that you can really predict the music based on a band's name... I mean, just look at most of those ridiculous names. However, this seems to be my musical mood lately. I'll move back to the death metal once the Opeth release comes out.

My final thought of the night... I have too much music on my computer. I just crested 16000 songs. I mean I added another hard drive that I had laying around just to accommodate the music. That would mean there is 240 GB of space on my computer now, and I think there is only 40 currently free (the 120 GB drive is dedicated solely to music). There are movies and TV shows on there too, but my music easily outweighs them. I should really burn some of the movies and TV shows to CD in order to clean this up somewhat. It's also sad that I'm trying to negotiate with apple to get a 60 GB Ipod replacement (paying the difference obviously) when I send mine in for warranty work. I just haven't done that due to financial reasons (it is gonna cost me $50 for shipping plus the upgrade cost if they let me, and I just haven't gotten around to filling out the proper information). Sad that 20 GB of music just isn't enough. Are the releasing a 120 GB version soon?

I hope everyone sleeps tight, I'll update on my lack of sleep tomorrow.

No title

So... Saturday night, and I opted to stay in. I've been feeling very exhausted lately, and am not sure what to attribute that too. I know that my sleep is getting worse on these sleeping pills. I'm not capable of falling asleep without the aid of those pills, and that kind of leaves us back to where we were when this whole mess started a few months ago. So, I think I'm going to consult with my Doc about this, but I'm pretty sure I need to be taken off of these. I think this sleep pattern is what's dropping my mood so low again. I've been struggling to remain social this week, and it just seems to be getting worse as time goes on. I know that I struggled to go out last night, even to sit on a patio for a bit with Brandi. Tonight, I didn't even feel like going out at all, even to the Broadway area or Beilly's... kind of strange for me. I don't quite know how to control these kind of anti-social tendencies that seem to be arising lately. My biggest problem when these kind of things happen is I'm just not able to converse very well with others. I'm not a person that usually struggles with this stuff.

My Sister flew home today to spend a month here. I haven't seen her since Christmas, and once she leaves here in August, she'll defend her thesis and then fly to Japan to live with her boyfriend. I'm not even sure if she will be home for Christmas, but I can't see her actually missing that family time. It is good to see her, and I have to admit that out relationship has improved a lot in the last few years. However, due to the funk I'm in right now, I really didn't have a lot to sit and chat with her about. I know it seems strange, but that's the way things are right now with me. We don't have any plans in place really, but we'll be hitting Amigo's for lunch sometime next week, and just generally hang out. I hope I can build a little more excitement while she's here.

I'm going to toss in my typical music update here. For all Opeth fans, their next album Ghost Reveries will be released on August 30th. I expect this to be a return to the heavier side of things, and am very very excited for this release. Let's hope we get introduced to some new songs at the July 29th Sounds Of The Underground tour.

That's enough for now.

As expected

Well, to all those that may have read the last post with some concern, I'm doing a little better now that the whole emotional discharge has passed. I certainly think it was needed. Frustrations have been building lately with my memory issues, and I really don't like being unable to vent to the extent that I want to. I honestly think that the anti-depressants may have something to do with the recent difficulty in releasing my emotions.

Anyways, life goes on. Thanks to those who checked in on me today, even if I wasn't too social.

And so it happened...

So... my mom has been bugging me to stop by her office and network an extra computer so it could have access to the network printer. Under normal conditions, this would take me a couple of minutes, maybe half an hour at the most. Today... I managed to completely wipe out the existing network (I don't even know how it happened to tell you the truth) and in the end spent 3 hours reparing the existing network instead. Most likely, I fucked something up. I don't really know how, but everything was fine yesterday afternoon, and suddenly with me in there the computers were no longer networked. So, after 3.5 hours of work, I managed to leave the network exactly how it was, and came home for lunch.

To top it off, just as I arrived home, my insurance bitch called to let me know they have not received anything from my Doctors in order to extend my benefits. It was quite obvious when she called me that there was something wrong, and so she asked. So, I just explained my frustration and how I broke the network at my mom's office. I'm an idiot... I really am. So, then she's says to me "it sounds like you're able to be working if you're doing that kind of stuff for your mom". I just sat there on the phone for a second and said "apparently, I'm not capable of doing that stuff since I managed to fuck up connecting a computer into the hub." So, she explained that I have to get my doctors to send that shit in at my expense so that I can get paid by next week. As it stands, because it wasn't in by today, I probably won't get a cheque until 2 weeks from now. FUCK.

And that's when it happened. I just finished with the biggest emotional breakdown I've had since April. I haven't been able to cry at all... and this afternoon I couldn't stop it. I'm miserable. I'm posting here because, in a strange turn of events, anyone that I would turn to is actually working. I just want this shit over with. I'm not suicidal at all, so I'm not going to end up killing myself. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't know what I'm doing half the time, and the other half of the time I'll forget a few minutes later. I can hardly remember anything that's been happening lately, and that's causing me so much stress. FUCK. I have these fuzzy memories about yesterday... some of the day is there, but I just can't see most of it. I know that I spent 2 hours at the pool, but I don't remember being there. I know that I went out for a drink with Brandi, but I don't remember being there. How the fuck can I know this shit, but not remember it? Ask me to recall Monday, and it's not there at all now. It's only been 2 days, and I'm no longer able to recall anything from that day. I have to read a fucking book of notes that I've made to know what I've done in my life. FUCK.

I'm on a double dosage of sleeping pills, and last night they didn't do much for me. I've seen this pattern before. The original dosage of 5 mg worked for about a week, then my body got used to them, and they stopped working... just kind of paralyzed me so that movement was very difficult, and very uncoordinated. Well, here we are on double the dosage, and although I did sleep a little bit, it wasn't for very long. I'm able to last close to 2 hours before they take effect. That is just not supposed to happen. I am betting that tonight they will fail completely. My afternoon naps haven't been happening either. My body is telling me it's exhausted, but when I lay down like it wants, I get nothing. What are they gonna do with me? Give me 15mg of those pills and expect me to be able to function at all throughout the day? But really, how would that be any different from my life right now?

Today is not the first day that I wanted to cry, but it is the first day that I was actually able to. I don't think I like that at all. I would prefer to be emotional. But my emotions just get too high or too low, so they have to be controlled somehow, as I don't think I'm capable. Although, if we look at today, this is a pretty big low triggered by the fact that I just can't do much of the things that used to come so easy to me. It's no wonder I don't start anything new... I'll most likely end up stressing myself out and breaking down.

I'll reiterate that I'm not suicidal... some people may feel the need to comment on the fact that it sounds like I am. This is just a huge fucking vent because for the most part I can't ever seem to do it anymore. I'm taking this opportunity while the emotions are still here to get it all out. I'll probably be numb again in a few hours, and by tomorrow will have forgotten that this happened. So, at least there is a record of it.

I'm going to go lay outside, burn the rest of my body that isn't already red and blast some death metal.

Right now, it sucks to be me.

Women

Well, let's discuss one of my favorite topics... I love to both ogle and to vent about. Women piss me off. Oh yeah, before we even start... I have very low self esteem right now, and none of the "high" comments are just providing information, not my tooting my own horn. There is no doubt that I have been screwed around in some of my relationships, but that is not the point of this post, because I also absolutely love a lot of girls. As a guy, it seems to be somewhat strange for me to have such a large group of female friends. I know for a fact that I have a much larger female contingent than male in my life. I will also add this comment that almost all of my female friends have passed on that they think I'm very attractive, as well as an extremely kind and very nice person. Lately this has brought a couple of very interesting issues to the forefront of my thought.

When I head out for a night with the guys, I am usually the only single one. Most of my friends are in long term, very committed relationships and I can see most of them being wed in the next year. This doesn't cause a problem for me at all, but strangely enough, there is a problem caused by my single adventures. I have lately run into the problem that my constant attention from females has caused a lot of jealousy in the past, and surprisingly this continues. A few weeks back, we entered a bar, and almost immediately past the bouncer A girl grabbed me and started chatting away with me. I found out later from my cousin's girlfriend, that he turned around and cursed me because this always happens to me. He thinks I get way too much attention. He did this scene right to his girlfriend and he explained his jealousy over this event which created a small disagreement on her part, with her stating that he should not be bothered by these things that happen to me. I'm really surprised that there is jealousy based on this after so many years. We're not competing, as there is nothing to compete about since they are all very happy with their significant others, and I'm very happy they have all found someone special. So, my hunt continues, and yet still causes problems with the guys. It's a shame, and one of the reasons that I don't call them as much anymore. Although it is easier to work with the girls if you're there with a group of guys. However, jealousy over my life is just not cool. My life is nothing more than a chaotic growth from the large deep hole that I feel into a couple months back... Absolutely nothing to be jealous of, and yet I know it exists.

Now onto the women. Making light of the situation, a lot of people believe I have a harem of women... these women are all platonic friends, but none the less, I do have a large group of girls that I am always hanging out with. I think most people think that I'm dating that person that I head out with, because they are naturally all quite attractive girls. Although this should be the case, I do remain single, and fortunately for me, a lot of the girls just laugh about my wondering eye when girls pass by, and just get a little nervous when my head is not paying attention to the driving aspect of things. Oh, how much I enjoy checking out women. And apparently meeting them is pretty easy for me when I decide to. However, this brings us to this problem. Not all of my female friends act this way, but there is a large group on the constant lookout for a suitable Kelly mate. I like this idea a lot. What I have noticed is that the expectations they have laid out indicate that only a very small fraction of females actually reach a level of someone how I should be dating. An example would be a pair of them scoping out the whole entire bar, and coming back with 2 prospects that they believed were suitable for me... The rest were beneath me, and didn't deserve to be considered as a girl for me. I thought there were some cute girls there, but apparently I have low standards or something, as the girls didn't agree with me. Now it's strange because I know how girls are towards other girls, so apparently the next girl that I start dating is going to have to able to hold her own with both the guys and their girlfriends, as well as my harem.

So... we'll see their response when I get the phone numbers of all 3 hot nursing assistants at my Doctor's office, and the number of the sweetheart (with the nice booty) that manages the alcohol sale at Volleyball. Tomorrow's posts will highlight my successes and failures. I will be happy with 1 nurse assistant and 1 Volleyball chick to add to the harem. So, that's my goal.

Time to sleep tight... The pills are taking effect.

The Fourth Of July...

means Doctor appointments for me... although that is not too different from my ordinary day.

I have to see my family physician to discuss the memory/concentration issues. Everyone seems to think that as my sleep improves, so will the memory/concentration issues. This has not been the case so far, and is definitely causing me a lot of frustrations. It is extremely difficult to judge the improvement of the anti-depressants when I am dealing with a huge amount of stress because I do forget what I'm doing, or what I have already done. I think that under conditions where my memory was not causing so many problems, I would be in very good shape right now. But that is not the case.

Appointment number 2 is a phone introduction/consultation with a Psychiatrist. I was referred to this Psychiatrist when my overnight sleep study produced no physical reason for why my sleep pattern is such a mess. This Psychiatrist apparently deals with a lot of patients that have sleep disorders, and apparently is very effective at helping those suffering from insomnia. Since the root of my problem seems to be something mental, it will be kind of an interesting journey to see what is discovered. Once again, I am doing my best to enter this with an open mind. I'm finding that I am very anxious to have some sort of answer, but am doing my best to keep in mind that this has been a 4 year ordeal, so an overnight solution is most likely not going to happen.

I've been looking into PDA's as a tool to work around this memory problem. For a techie like myself, it is the obvious choice. In my research, I've discovered that I am severely out of touch with the PDA market, and didn't realize that there were so many choices/options/accessories available now. It really shouldn't surprise me at all, but I just haven't paid attention to that market at all. On the bright side, the thought of a new toy does excite me to no end. Geek.

Now... let's talk music. I'm captivated by the latest release by Ulver. Blood Inside is something absolutely beautiful and original, yet I would expect the majority of listeners to be turned off by it. It is certainly not for everyone, and even the most open minded of listeners might not enjoy it. It is very atmospheric, ambient and has a very strong classical influence to it. Hopefully those that do give it a listen will see the brilliance and originality of this album, even if they do not particularly enjoy it.

Also on the music front, my excitement builds for the Sounds Of The Underground tour. Opeth are going to be here, and I can finally cross them (and about 20 other bands) off my list of "must see live". Considering Opeth are at the top of my favorites list, this is going to be a very memorable experience. I do have to put some blame to hometown band Morally Sound for building this excitement, as they did a very faithful cover of Opeth's song Deliverance at their final show ever on Thursday. Although Kris of Morally Sound is an amazing guitarist and song writer, I was very hesitant at their ability to pull off that song... they did very well, and I really should just learn to trust that anything Kris decides to do is going to be of very high quality. I'm looking forward to his next project which should be ready to play some shows in August or September.

I think that will be all for tonight. I'll update about tomorrow after the appointments are done.

Reminder: Volleyball is at 9:30

Forgetful me...

So, catching up with a friend on Canada Day, it was brought to my attention that I missed a very good friend's Birthday on June 7th. Almost 1 month later, and I am finally now sending her Birthday wishes. I actually kind of felt sick to my stomach when Mel told me that I forgot. She did say that Dara didn't mind too much since she knows the struggles that I'm going through, but that is still really no excuse on my end.

Dara has actually been such an important shoulder for me through out these struggles. She spent 3 hours on the phone with me on Easter long weekend when I finally got so low that I was basically crying to myself, avoiding phone calls and becoming quite anti-social. She was the only one that I could call at that time, and the only one that I wanted to talk to. She lives in another city, so I don't have the pleasure of seeing her very often, and it had been a long time since we had previously talked. She gave up her whole Friday night to sit on the phone with me while I cried, while I vented, while I basically spilled everything regarding my depression. It was probably one of the more important events that allowed me to confront things, and helped give me the strength that I have today. I think Dara was the second person that I really let in to all of this... I believe she was even involved before my family.

If you ask her, she'll tell you that she was just happy to be able to return a favour for the numerous times I've done that kind of thing for her. But, I don't really think she understands her importance in my life. I really hope she knows that I would trust her with anything in my life, and I think she is well aware of the difficulty I have of letting people get that close.

Lots of love Dara, and happy belated Birthday. I really wish I would have remembered.

P.S. Reminder: Brandi's Birthday is July 11th... Don't forget.
P.P.S. Reminder: Lori's Birthday is July 15th... Don't forget.