And I'm bored
It's 11pm on a Saturday night, and I'm the only one up right now. I'm lonely. I never thought this would happen, but here I sit.
I came to BC for a girl. Things between us are fantastic, but I get almost no time alone with her. I spend more time with her parents, her Grandma, and her brother's girlfriend than I do with her. In fact, I don't even think I've had an hour alone with her since Thurday night. She fell asleep before 9pm tonight in bed, which gave me about 10-15 minutes with her, most of the time her eyes were closed. I got a little more time on Friday night, but once again, she fell asleep extremely quickly. Of course my brain is thinking I've done something wrong.
I know she has to get up at 5am to go to work. I know her daughter is more important than everything else, and I would never think of interfering with their limited time together. But, once everything is said and done, I am left with the remains of the day. Lately, this has usually been less than an hour before she falls asleep. I do get to spend days with her when she's not working, but there is never any alone time there.
I love her daughter. I'm not getting the same feeling back, despite what everyone else says. She responds well to me sometimes, but other times I just don't get a good response from anything I do. It's tough when I want to be able to help more, but my attempts usually result in more tears, instead of calming the situation down. I seriously thought I would be good at this, but I just don't know any more. I guess only time will tell.
I'm not sleeping well at all anymore. Sennen has a habit of not sleeping through the night. I have a habit of not sleeping through the night. My schedule is different than hers. The result is very little sleep for me. I actually moved to the couch last night so Nat could cuddle Sennen back to sleep in our bed. I think I'll probably sleep on the couch tonight so I don't wake Nat up since she's got an early morning.
I got a rejection letter from one of the companies that I applied to. I haven't heard from my follow-up letter to another company. The job that I was supposed to land quickly once I got here fell through. Miscommunication somewhere along the way. I have another resume out that I'm really hoping to hear back from, but I'm kind of losing faith. I had an opportunity for a sales job with a cellular company, but the drive was an hour (not including the ferry). I seriously thought I should take it in order to have something that gets me out of the house, pays me something and gets me socializing, but everyone else expressed negative thoughts about it solely because of the drive. I wish I took that job.
Mostly, I'm just having a "down on my luck" night. Feeling negative I guess. I suspected things were sounding too good to be true when I hatched this damn scheme to move out here. Everything fell into place quite easily. It seemed like I might have made the right decision for once in my life. Now, I'm not so sure. The girl is right and I'm sure that her daughter will warm up to me more in a while. Other than that, nothing else seems to be right. I'm not miserable, but I'm certainly short of being happy, happy, happy.
I need a cuddle. I'll go curl up with The Di Vinci Code on the couch and hope to fall asleep.
I came to BC for a girl. Things between us are fantastic, but I get almost no time alone with her. I spend more time with her parents, her Grandma, and her brother's girlfriend than I do with her. In fact, I don't even think I've had an hour alone with her since Thurday night. She fell asleep before 9pm tonight in bed, which gave me about 10-15 minutes with her, most of the time her eyes were closed. I got a little more time on Friday night, but once again, she fell asleep extremely quickly. Of course my brain is thinking I've done something wrong.
I know she has to get up at 5am to go to work. I know her daughter is more important than everything else, and I would never think of interfering with their limited time together. But, once everything is said and done, I am left with the remains of the day. Lately, this has usually been less than an hour before she falls asleep. I do get to spend days with her when she's not working, but there is never any alone time there.
I love her daughter. I'm not getting the same feeling back, despite what everyone else says. She responds well to me sometimes, but other times I just don't get a good response from anything I do. It's tough when I want to be able to help more, but my attempts usually result in more tears, instead of calming the situation down. I seriously thought I would be good at this, but I just don't know any more. I guess only time will tell.
I'm not sleeping well at all anymore. Sennen has a habit of not sleeping through the night. I have a habit of not sleeping through the night. My schedule is different than hers. The result is very little sleep for me. I actually moved to the couch last night so Nat could cuddle Sennen back to sleep in our bed. I think I'll probably sleep on the couch tonight so I don't wake Nat up since she's got an early morning.
I got a rejection letter from one of the companies that I applied to. I haven't heard from my follow-up letter to another company. The job that I was supposed to land quickly once I got here fell through. Miscommunication somewhere along the way. I have another resume out that I'm really hoping to hear back from, but I'm kind of losing faith. I had an opportunity for a sales job with a cellular company, but the drive was an hour (not including the ferry). I seriously thought I should take it in order to have something that gets me out of the house, pays me something and gets me socializing, but everyone else expressed negative thoughts about it solely because of the drive. I wish I took that job.
Mostly, I'm just having a "down on my luck" night. Feeling negative I guess. I suspected things were sounding too good to be true when I hatched this damn scheme to move out here. Everything fell into place quite easily. It seemed like I might have made the right decision for once in my life. Now, I'm not so sure. The girl is right and I'm sure that her daughter will warm up to me more in a while. Other than that, nothing else seems to be right. I'm not miserable, but I'm certainly short of being happy, happy, happy.
I need a cuddle. I'll go curl up with The Di Vinci Code on the couch and hope to fall asleep.
posted by Kelly at 11:59 PM
3 Comments:
Kelly,
I am sorry that you are experiencing confusion and doubt over your current situation. Every change has postive and not-so-positive consequences. I am certain you will find a better balance for you in your life soon. Until then, I wish that things become more agreeable for you.
Miss you, hope you feel better soon, and warm regards to Nt and Senne.
~Ange
I was thinking about you heavily last night, wondering how things have been going (and of course, worrying a little). I wanted to call you, just to hear your voice and see how you're doing, but I wasn't sure if I should.
As for the situation, I'm sorry to hear that it's not going as smoothly as you'd hoped. Any transition takes some time and effort though, and I know you'll figure out a way to make it work. If anyone can, it's you - you're too stubborn not to ;)
Kids can be tricky, but I think you'll find that as Sennen gets a little older, it gets easier. Kids love me (for reasons I don't quite understand), and all I do is talk to them the same way I talk to their parents - minus the cursing, of course. In the meantime, you just need to be as relaxed as you can, and take things as they come.
I'm glad to hear you've kept up the reading, though I wish you were sleeping better, but that will come too. It's still the right decision - you just have to be aware that the way things unfolded before your move was freakishly smooth and slightly unnatural...
I love you. It's going to be okay.
B.
At the risk of coming across like a nosey friend of Natters, I chose to look at your blog to get a feel for this guy that is dating one of my Bestest Friends.
I was wondering how things were going. For both of you.'
With out a doubt its going to be tough, and consider too, that Natty just started this job and its going to take a bit for things to slow down, since this Hotel thing just opened. It will all work out. What you need to do, is get some hobbies, take a run, bartend at a pub and just make some friends and laugh a little.
Bartending is easy and fun to do, you meet a lot of people and its good cash untill you can find something that you would like for a career.
Again, I am sorry for intruding to your Blog, I will leave my Live Journal site so you can get even with me by spying on me too.
Hang in there, Natty will get used to this new schedule and way of life. so will you, its just going to take some time and you need to get out of the house, be it a run or a job.
I mean the best by commenting.
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