So Tired
Well... my negative post streak continues. I promise that I'll do a positive post one of these days. For now, this is just my release for the problems that continue to plague me.
I have a suspicion that I'm dependent on the sleeping pills again. I've noticed in the last week that I'm not able to get a nap in if my body is telling me I should. Usually, if I get tired enough, I'm able to actually fall asleep for a little while. I attempted sleep without the pills last night, and was unsuccessful. I couldn't even keep my eyes open, yet couldn't sleep at all. I gave in, and took 1 pill at about 4:30 or 5 am, and finally went back to bed around 6ish. Today wasn't too productive at all. The pills usually leave me unable to function for about 8 - 10 hours, so I'm kind of stuck in bed until I can start to move around safely. I finally pulled myself out of bed around 11 am and ended up back in bed trying to nap around 2:30. Naturally, I failed again. I had a nasty dizzy spell hit me while I was eating supper. I'm not sure what happened there, but it put me on the couch with a bad headache for most of the night. Which reminds me that I've had the constant headaches in the evenings again. Add in the fact that I'm quite anti-social lately and this all seems just a little too familiar to me.
I am able to function relatively well if I can let my sleep patterns control my life. By this, I mean that if I sleep when my body wants (generally around 5am and 3pm) I am actually fairly stable, and can function pretty well. This does bring to light the obvious problem that I'm not really keeping to the rest of the world's schedule. What does a person do when the doctor recommended solution to one of his problems causes more problems? Well, in my best interest, I'm pulling myself off the pills again. Starting tonight, I'm going cold turkey and going to deal with developing my own sleep patterns again. I only have 2 pills left, and haven't refilled my prescription, so I have no choice but deal with it, which is perfectly fine with me. It means that I just can't turn back to my dependency. I'll be calling my doctor tomorrow to discuss this with her, but she'll have to figure out something better for me than this solution. I'll also have to do my best not to take the upcoming sleep deprived frustrations out on the wonderful people in my life. Regardless of my anti-social behavior, I still have lots of love for the following people (in no particular order): the family, Dara, Angela, Heather, Suze, Brandi, Christa, Theresa, Natasha, Mel and of course the guys too (just because I can meet women easier when they don't think I'm dating the girls I hang out with).
I am now in queue for an appointment with a Psychiatrist that apparently specializes in sleep disorders. I had the phone interview with her on Monday, and I guess I "qualify" for an appointment with her. The problem is that she has a 4 month waiting list. The insurance company will not like it one bit if they have to pay out on this for another 4 months minimum.
This "grey area" that I'm sitting in causes them a lot of difficulties and I can see how some people could abuse the situation because they can just claim that they are depressed. I just wish the insurance company would allow for a little more time before constantly requiring updates from my doctors. It seems like every 2 weeks I have to have shit sent into them and then wait for an update from my representative to see if I have money coming my way or not. I doubt she understands the unneeded stress and problems that this all causes for me. Once again, I go back to the physical versus mental issue being the problem, and that I just don't think they are properly informed on how to approach the situation with patients that struggle from mental related problems. I can't really comment on this lady's background in education or previous experience, however she is one of the more insensitive people that I have to deal with during this crap. Whenever she calls, she asks how things are going, and because she is my rep, I think she should be informed if I'm struggling, so I am open about it to her (not completely, but enough to get the point across), and then she goes straight into commenting that she is unsure about my issues, and how she thinks I really should be back at work.
Until this point in my life, I have taken my jobs and my schooling very seriously. And while I've run into a problem or 2 along the way, I do take offense to people calling me lazy. I worked my way through an entire company before, starting from part-time data entry to doing the majority of the Comptroller's position minus the financial management area of that job. At my latest company, I was promoted after 3 months, and was onto my second promotion in less than a year. Had I not started struggling so much with my health, then I'd probably have moved beyond that job already. I am not lazy when it comes to working, and if I could be back at work, no matter what my feelings were towards my job, I certainly would be. It makes sense, as I make more money, have more to do throughout the day, and there were certain things that I did enjoy about it. However, I am just unable to function at a point that would allow me to be productive enough that I think I would be earning my wage. Most likely, I would be asleep at my desk in the afternoons. And really... does anyone think I actually enjoy spending 2 - 3 hours of my afternoons laying in bed, so I can possibly get 30 minutes of sleep? Trust me, I feel like I'm just wasting a lot of my life here. Being a night owl does have it's benefits sometimes, but there is no way I would choose this kind of lifestyle.
Obligatory music post: Apparently my death metal interest has given way to the metalcore scene sometime this past week. For those unfamiliar with the genre, it's a combination of the metal and hardcore genres, and is usually characterized as songs built around breakdowns that just make you want to bang your head. Current playlist includes: Bleeding Heart, From Here On, Burn The Priest (also known as Lamb Of God), Embrace Today, The Taste Of Blood, Since The Flood, End Of Days, To What End, and Byzantine. It's sad that you can really predict the music based on a band's name... I mean, just look at most of those ridiculous names. However, this seems to be my musical mood lately. I'll move back to the death metal once the Opeth release comes out.
My final thought of the night... I have too much music on my computer. I just crested 16000 songs. I mean I added another hard drive that I had laying around just to accommodate the music. That would mean there is 240 GB of space on my computer now, and I think there is only 40 currently free (the 120 GB drive is dedicated solely to music). There are movies and TV shows on there too, but my music easily outweighs them. I should really burn some of the movies and TV shows to CD in order to clean this up somewhat. It's also sad that I'm trying to negotiate with apple to get a 60 GB Ipod replacement (paying the difference obviously) when I send mine in for warranty work. I just haven't done that due to financial reasons (it is gonna cost me $50 for shipping plus the upgrade cost if they let me, and I just haven't gotten around to filling out the proper information). Sad that 20 GB of music just isn't enough. Are the releasing a 120 GB version soon?
I hope everyone sleeps tight, I'll update on my lack of sleep tomorrow.
I have a suspicion that I'm dependent on the sleeping pills again. I've noticed in the last week that I'm not able to get a nap in if my body is telling me I should. Usually, if I get tired enough, I'm able to actually fall asleep for a little while. I attempted sleep without the pills last night, and was unsuccessful. I couldn't even keep my eyes open, yet couldn't sleep at all. I gave in, and took 1 pill at about 4:30 or 5 am, and finally went back to bed around 6ish. Today wasn't too productive at all. The pills usually leave me unable to function for about 8 - 10 hours, so I'm kind of stuck in bed until I can start to move around safely. I finally pulled myself out of bed around 11 am and ended up back in bed trying to nap around 2:30. Naturally, I failed again. I had a nasty dizzy spell hit me while I was eating supper. I'm not sure what happened there, but it put me on the couch with a bad headache for most of the night. Which reminds me that I've had the constant headaches in the evenings again. Add in the fact that I'm quite anti-social lately and this all seems just a little too familiar to me.
I am able to function relatively well if I can let my sleep patterns control my life. By this, I mean that if I sleep when my body wants (generally around 5am and 3pm) I am actually fairly stable, and can function pretty well. This does bring to light the obvious problem that I'm not really keeping to the rest of the world's schedule. What does a person do when the doctor recommended solution to one of his problems causes more problems? Well, in my best interest, I'm pulling myself off the pills again. Starting tonight, I'm going cold turkey and going to deal with developing my own sleep patterns again. I only have 2 pills left, and haven't refilled my prescription, so I have no choice but deal with it, which is perfectly fine with me. It means that I just can't turn back to my dependency. I'll be calling my doctor tomorrow to discuss this with her, but she'll have to figure out something better for me than this solution. I'll also have to do my best not to take the upcoming sleep deprived frustrations out on the wonderful people in my life. Regardless of my anti-social behavior, I still have lots of love for the following people (in no particular order): the family, Dara, Angela, Heather, Suze, Brandi, Christa, Theresa, Natasha, Mel and of course the guys too (just because I can meet women easier when they don't think I'm dating the girls I hang out with).
I am now in queue for an appointment with a Psychiatrist that apparently specializes in sleep disorders. I had the phone interview with her on Monday, and I guess I "qualify" for an appointment with her. The problem is that she has a 4 month waiting list. The insurance company will not like it one bit if they have to pay out on this for another 4 months minimum.
This "grey area" that I'm sitting in causes them a lot of difficulties and I can see how some people could abuse the situation because they can just claim that they are depressed. I just wish the insurance company would allow for a little more time before constantly requiring updates from my doctors. It seems like every 2 weeks I have to have shit sent into them and then wait for an update from my representative to see if I have money coming my way or not. I doubt she understands the unneeded stress and problems that this all causes for me. Once again, I go back to the physical versus mental issue being the problem, and that I just don't think they are properly informed on how to approach the situation with patients that struggle from mental related problems. I can't really comment on this lady's background in education or previous experience, however she is one of the more insensitive people that I have to deal with during this crap. Whenever she calls, she asks how things are going, and because she is my rep, I think she should be informed if I'm struggling, so I am open about it to her (not completely, but enough to get the point across), and then she goes straight into commenting that she is unsure about my issues, and how she thinks I really should be back at work.
Until this point in my life, I have taken my jobs and my schooling very seriously. And while I've run into a problem or 2 along the way, I do take offense to people calling me lazy. I worked my way through an entire company before, starting from part-time data entry to doing the majority of the Comptroller's position minus the financial management area of that job. At my latest company, I was promoted after 3 months, and was onto my second promotion in less than a year. Had I not started struggling so much with my health, then I'd probably have moved beyond that job already. I am not lazy when it comes to working, and if I could be back at work, no matter what my feelings were towards my job, I certainly would be. It makes sense, as I make more money, have more to do throughout the day, and there were certain things that I did enjoy about it. However, I am just unable to function at a point that would allow me to be productive enough that I think I would be earning my wage. Most likely, I would be asleep at my desk in the afternoons. And really... does anyone think I actually enjoy spending 2 - 3 hours of my afternoons laying in bed, so I can possibly get 30 minutes of sleep? Trust me, I feel like I'm just wasting a lot of my life here. Being a night owl does have it's benefits sometimes, but there is no way I would choose this kind of lifestyle.
Obligatory music post: Apparently my death metal interest has given way to the metalcore scene sometime this past week. For those unfamiliar with the genre, it's a combination of the metal and hardcore genres, and is usually characterized as songs built around breakdowns that just make you want to bang your head. Current playlist includes: Bleeding Heart, From Here On, Burn The Priest (also known as Lamb Of God), Embrace Today, The Taste Of Blood, Since The Flood, End Of Days, To What End, and Byzantine. It's sad that you can really predict the music based on a band's name... I mean, just look at most of those ridiculous names. However, this seems to be my musical mood lately. I'll move back to the death metal once the Opeth release comes out.
My final thought of the night... I have too much music on my computer. I just crested 16000 songs. I mean I added another hard drive that I had laying around just to accommodate the music. That would mean there is 240 GB of space on my computer now, and I think there is only 40 currently free (the 120 GB drive is dedicated solely to music). There are movies and TV shows on there too, but my music easily outweighs them. I should really burn some of the movies and TV shows to CD in order to clean this up somewhat. It's also sad that I'm trying to negotiate with apple to get a 60 GB Ipod replacement (paying the difference obviously) when I send mine in for warranty work. I just haven't done that due to financial reasons (it is gonna cost me $50 for shipping plus the upgrade cost if they let me, and I just haven't gotten around to filling out the proper information). Sad that 20 GB of music just isn't enough. Are the releasing a 120 GB version soon?
I hope everyone sleeps tight, I'll update on my lack of sleep tomorrow.
posted by Kelly at 9:52 PM
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