Life after the seperation
So... I start this again...
This is actually a therapy thing. Blogging makes me think... it makes me analyze my thoughts and my actions more closely than if I just try and reflect without the written word to look at.
I have lofty plans of taking this blog to my own website, which I'm starting to plan as we speak. The idea is that I do believe that I have a lot of offer once I get into a routine or habit of posting regularly. My goal will be eventually to make a name for myself on the interweb and possibly make some money from it as well. I won't go into plans about this just yet, but I am sure I can do something with all my knowledge, experience and thoughts. I'm tired of the way this life of mine is going and I need to step out of all of my comfort zones and do something a little more daring with my life.
So... here I am.
I guess we need to look at exactly who I have become in the last little while. I'm on the verge of being 32 and still have no direction in life. I'm intelligent, good looking, can be very funny when I have comfort with people and have my health. What's interesting among all of these things is that I am bad with my finances, make poor decisions in general and for some reason am prone to bouts of anti-social behaviour. The point of this blog is to document the changes that I'm making to better myself and my life.
The relationship...
About 2 weeks I walked out of a very damaging relationship. Love can make you do some incredible things, and it made me put myself through a huge amount of hell. Now that I look back on things, I honestly cannot believe that I went through what I have, and still question my logic to stay in the relationship for as long as I did.
The relationship lasted almost 3 years, and in that time I relocated to Vancouver Island for this girl and her daughter. I guess I was due for some sort of new environment, so the blame cannot be placed on her. I decided to make that move and we had full intentions of this relationship creating the family that we both always saw in our lives. Her daughter was just about 1 year old when I actually moved out. I took on the role as her father with every ounce of energy that I had... and it was tough. It will probably be one of the toughest things that I've ever done in my life up to this point.
After about a year, the first act if infidelity happened. Natasha developed quite the interest in a co-worker and hid that from me for a few months. Our relationship turned pretty awful as she withdrew more and more from me and became more and more involve with Patrick. Due to my extremely trusting nature, I just assumed (and took her word) that she was just struggling at work and that was causing the problems. Eventually, I had to gain unauthorized access to her email in order to discover the truth.
Why didn't I leave at that time? I'll be honest... I tried. I did walk out and stay with a friend for a few days, but ultimately the family drew me back in. I love her daughter with everything that I have, and I really wanted her to have this wonderful family to grow up in. I felt that I was strong enough, with assistance from Natasha, to move beyond the issues. The problem was that she wasn't ready to fully give up the other guy. She mislead me again and again and I really have no one to blame but myself for constantly putting the family idea in my head and trying harder. I wouldn't even listen to my best friend when the topic came up.
Fast forward (a LONG time) to a couple weeks ago when I finally walked out. I found a place that I could afford and I took the remaining few items of my life and I moved out. I took what little self respect and self esteem I had left and I am powering through life trying to regain some idea of who I am and what I want to do.
What did I leave with?
Finally, I had the confidence to leave. I know it sounds strange to say, but having a person in your life for an significant amount of time makes it really tough to cut the strings and drop them completely. In a move that probably surprised everyone that knows me, I cut all ties with Natasha and her daughter. I will not communicate with either of them again. That is final.
I left determined to make the perfect life for myself regardless of any one else every coming along. I also have my health and a job that covers my expenses for the most part. I moved into my suite with an air mattress, a fold up camping chair for my living room and my computer. I had my clothes and my car, but apart from that I didn't have anything else. At this time, I still don't have anything in my living room but that chair and the computer. I did locate a bed, which I feel pretty good about the score I made.
Also, due to poor decision making on the financial front, I really don't have a ton of money to just buy everything that I need. So... I'm coming to terms with having a bare living room, and am actually enjoying the challenge of living without a lot of material items. I've always been materialistic, so this is actually something that I have never done before. I am in no hurry to change things though... which is strange. I think it forces me to adapt and if I want to do be social, it will force me to get out of the house because I won't be able to entertain here. It also forces me to be relatively humble and honest about my living situation to friends, and for some reason I'm not ashamed to tell people about it. I think this is good thing... it shows a level of confidence that I know still exists.
I will continue to maintain a nice wardrobe because it is important for a number of reasons. Dressing well helps me to feel more confident. I need to dress well at work, and I feel better in general when I'm done up. So, I will not cut out my clothing expenses, but it will be cut back slightly.
I think tomorrow I will start listing goals that I want to achieve in the short term (before Christmas) and longer down the road. I've already taken steps that I am surprised about... positive steps. I will also start to detail why I believe I taking this blog to it's own website will be intelligent, generate traffic and hopefuly make me a tiny bit of money.
That's all for now... be well.
K
This is actually a therapy thing. Blogging makes me think... it makes me analyze my thoughts and my actions more closely than if I just try and reflect without the written word to look at.
I have lofty plans of taking this blog to my own website, which I'm starting to plan as we speak. The idea is that I do believe that I have a lot of offer once I get into a routine or habit of posting regularly. My goal will be eventually to make a name for myself on the interweb and possibly make some money from it as well. I won't go into plans about this just yet, but I am sure I can do something with all my knowledge, experience and thoughts. I'm tired of the way this life of mine is going and I need to step out of all of my comfort zones and do something a little more daring with my life.
So... here I am.
I guess we need to look at exactly who I have become in the last little while. I'm on the verge of being 32 and still have no direction in life. I'm intelligent, good looking, can be very funny when I have comfort with people and have my health. What's interesting among all of these things is that I am bad with my finances, make poor decisions in general and for some reason am prone to bouts of anti-social behaviour. The point of this blog is to document the changes that I'm making to better myself and my life.
The relationship...
About 2 weeks I walked out of a very damaging relationship. Love can make you do some incredible things, and it made me put myself through a huge amount of hell. Now that I look back on things, I honestly cannot believe that I went through what I have, and still question my logic to stay in the relationship for as long as I did.
The relationship lasted almost 3 years, and in that time I relocated to Vancouver Island for this girl and her daughter. I guess I was due for some sort of new environment, so the blame cannot be placed on her. I decided to make that move and we had full intentions of this relationship creating the family that we both always saw in our lives. Her daughter was just about 1 year old when I actually moved out. I took on the role as her father with every ounce of energy that I had... and it was tough. It will probably be one of the toughest things that I've ever done in my life up to this point.
After about a year, the first act if infidelity happened. Natasha developed quite the interest in a co-worker and hid that from me for a few months. Our relationship turned pretty awful as she withdrew more and more from me and became more and more involve with Patrick. Due to my extremely trusting nature, I just assumed (and took her word) that she was just struggling at work and that was causing the problems. Eventually, I had to gain unauthorized access to her email in order to discover the truth.
Why didn't I leave at that time? I'll be honest... I tried. I did walk out and stay with a friend for a few days, but ultimately the family drew me back in. I love her daughter with everything that I have, and I really wanted her to have this wonderful family to grow up in. I felt that I was strong enough, with assistance from Natasha, to move beyond the issues. The problem was that she wasn't ready to fully give up the other guy. She mislead me again and again and I really have no one to blame but myself for constantly putting the family idea in my head and trying harder. I wouldn't even listen to my best friend when the topic came up.
Fast forward (a LONG time) to a couple weeks ago when I finally walked out. I found a place that I could afford and I took the remaining few items of my life and I moved out. I took what little self respect and self esteem I had left and I am powering through life trying to regain some idea of who I am and what I want to do.
What did I leave with?
Finally, I had the confidence to leave. I know it sounds strange to say, but having a person in your life for an significant amount of time makes it really tough to cut the strings and drop them completely. In a move that probably surprised everyone that knows me, I cut all ties with Natasha and her daughter. I will not communicate with either of them again. That is final.
I left determined to make the perfect life for myself regardless of any one else every coming along. I also have my health and a job that covers my expenses for the most part. I moved into my suite with an air mattress, a fold up camping chair for my living room and my computer. I had my clothes and my car, but apart from that I didn't have anything else. At this time, I still don't have anything in my living room but that chair and the computer. I did locate a bed, which I feel pretty good about the score I made.
Also, due to poor decision making on the financial front, I really don't have a ton of money to just buy everything that I need. So... I'm coming to terms with having a bare living room, and am actually enjoying the challenge of living without a lot of material items. I've always been materialistic, so this is actually something that I have never done before. I am in no hurry to change things though... which is strange. I think it forces me to adapt and if I want to do be social, it will force me to get out of the house because I won't be able to entertain here. It also forces me to be relatively humble and honest about my living situation to friends, and for some reason I'm not ashamed to tell people about it. I think this is good thing... it shows a level of confidence that I know still exists.
I will continue to maintain a nice wardrobe because it is important for a number of reasons. Dressing well helps me to feel more confident. I need to dress well at work, and I feel better in general when I'm done up. So, I will not cut out my clothing expenses, but it will be cut back slightly.
I think tomorrow I will start listing goals that I want to achieve in the short term (before Christmas) and longer down the road. I've already taken steps that I am surprised about... positive steps. I will also start to detail why I believe I taking this blog to it's own website will be intelligent, generate traffic and hopefuly make me a tiny bit of money.
That's all for now... be well.
K
posted by Kelly at 8:20 PM
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