Therapy

I've been looking forward to this day since I booked my appointment on Friday. I saw a new counsellor this morning and we've tried a different approach to relieving some of my issues. The technique that was employed today is called EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. I won't even try to explain the logic behind the process since I'm not a psychologist or even that knowledgeable on how the brain functions, but you can GOOGLE it and find out information if you would like.

I decided to pursue this based on the very positive experiences that my aunt had using this process to get through her grieving when her husband was killed. While being a little skeptical, I am open to almost anything that may allow me some sort of relief from some of this pain I'm struggling with.

Well, some very interesting stuff happened during the session this morning that I can not explain at all, but seems to be a very positive experience so far. I'm not saying that this will be the end of all my current issues, but I now firmly believe that this will play a very important role in my recovery and ability to deal with things. I spent the session recounting the week following the death of my uncle, which I believe to be the point where a lot of my current issues stem from. While my brain was being stimulated by little vibrating pads in my hands, I was concentrating on feelings and images from that week. During this process, my back, neck and shoulders tightened up immensely, and my arms became so heavy and tense that I could hardly even move them. The pain in my back and my neck was unlike anything I'd ever felt in that part of my body before. I'm not sure that I can truely explain it, but i would think that if you had a huge buildup of stress in your shoulders that this is what it would feel like. This built up while I was focusing on images and events from that week, and kind of remained at a steady level for about 10 minutes while the paddles vibrated alternatingly at different speeds. The paddles slowed down for a bit, and then I was told to focus on something entirely different, and the buildup of pain in my shoulders disappeared in seconds. It almost felt as if that buildup of pain was just flushed out of my body. It was a very surprising experience. So, about 2 hours have passed, and I feel different. I can't explain the different feeling right now, but I was told to "just notice" the world around me for the next 3 days. Not really focus on things, but try to be aware of how I feel about things.

Whether people believe in the effectiveness of this treatment, I can honestly say that something happened during this session, and I'm looking forward to seeing what comes of this. And for those concerned friends, I haven't stopped seeing any of my other doctors, just happened to add one more to the pile, and am still on the waiting list for a few more.

Right now, I feel kind of good. Which I will welcome, even if it is for a couple of hours, because it's been a long, depressing couple of weeks.

Why so negative?????

Why do other people spend so much time criticizing the things that I'm doing to try and better myself. In the past few weeks I have gone up and down significantly. Despite lingering problems, last week was extremely high and productive for me. Suddenly, for some unknown reason, I completely fell off that and have plummeted down to a pretty low point. I'm still unable to figure out why that happened, but it's been plaguing me all week long.

So, the insurance company still has not dropped my claim, but haven't paid me in almost a month. This means that my finances are pretty much depleted. I'm sick of dealing with them, but would obviously still like them to pay me, since it is more than I would make on EI. Now, one of the reasons behind the delay in their decision would be that my therapist has been EXTREMELY slow in getting them the information that they have requested. By slow, I actually mean that the 3 week delay is all because of her. She finally sent some stuff in yesterday, but this was after I had left numerous messages and actually had to get the insurance company to send a fax requesting that stuff again. She is very well aware of the fact that this was extremely important, so I can't figure out why she has taken so long. Since she's only in the office 1 morning a week, it's also very difficult to get in touch with her. With all of that, I have actually decided to pursue a new therapist, because this was just unprofessional conduct. So, I meet with the new one on Wednesday. I am actually very excited about this one, as we will be trying some very interesting therapy techniques that very few other doctors in the country are trained in. I won't get into what we are going to be doing, because I want to wait until after the first couple of sessions to get an idea of how this is working. I will say that this form of treatment has had phenomenal results for my aunt, which is how I came to hear of it.

So, back to the stupid financial stress. Since it seems to be a huge stressor I am going to do something about it whether people like it or not. I am actually applying for jobs right now, and this seems to be quite the controversial decision. I do have the support of my family doctor, and actually had the support of my therapist on this one as well. I also have found a few friends to be quite supportive of this decision as well, as we all agree that a position that offers less stress than what I normally subject myself to at work could probably be very beneficial. Then we have my family who are all against this course of action. Of course, I am also criticized for doing very little (that they see) to work on my situation. So, no matter what I do, I tend to be criticized by some group of people.

So, today I say FUCK OFF to everyone who isn't supportive of whatever decisions I choose to follow through with. Regardless of how confused or messed up I might be, I know that the insurance company is a huge stressor that I need to get rid of. I also know that my current employer is just a pain that needs to be eliminated as well. I hate having to talk to them about all this garbage. Also, I think that I will benefit from jobs that force me to interact with the public because I seem to be suffering from a bad case of low self esteem or shyness or something ridiculous like that. So, if I force myself into those situations where I can't walk away from them, then I think I will be able to beat some of this stuff easier. Of course there is the criticism that I may not be the best employee, but how do we know until I try some jobs out, and maybe the right job just might be helpful here as well.

Personally, I think the medical profession just doesn't work quick enough. It really is difficult when the next doctor in the line has a waiting list 5 months long. I know it's impatient of me, but I really hate to sit and wait, especially when I'm in the situation that exists right now. I know this is the way things go, but the waiting is causing some negative side effects.

I just want to be relatively healthy again.

Something's just not right

Well, after having a rather productive weekend, something changed in my body and I'm suffering from some sort of an anxiety attack that just won't disappear. I haven't been able to figure out what triggered this on Sunday, but something must have happened. Sleep has completely disappeared altogether. I have managed 2 hours this morning, but that is the first time that I've slept since Sunday. I am exhausted, but not able to calm myself down at all. I will be taking some sleeping pills tonight in order to try and lower the anxiety somewhat. I really don't want to go that route, but it looks like I pretty much have to because I feel the progress that I've been making slipping away.

The Weekend

I'm not sure what has happened to me in the last few days, but my motivation has just skyrocketed. I've spent so much of the last few months struggling to do everything that wasn't just hanging out with friends. I haven't even had time to hang out this weekend because I've been too busy doing things around the house. This is strange, but I'm not complaining.

So, what have I done? Well, Since I'm at my parent's place, and have a little bit of guilt for the fact that they are putting me up through my period of struggles, and since they are gone for a while, I cleaned the fridge on Friday morning. And I don't mean just tossing old food... I mean completely disassembling the shelves and pulling the whole entire fridge apart and washing everything. The damn thing looks brand new now. This is kind of the old me... when I do a job, I do it well. This should surprise them.

I have also wired my whole entire car for the upcoming stereo system. I should get either my old Alpine CD player, or a brand new one tomorrow. Or, if nothing else, sometime in the afternoon I will know what is happening. As it stands, all I need to do is install the CD player and connect the new wires, install the front stage speakers, and place the amp rack in the trunk. Also, a rough version of the sub box is completed. I have coated all the joints in silicone and am letting that cure overnight. Tomorrow I will drill the hole for the sub and that will be ready to go in the car as soon as the CD player is in. I did this box roughly as I am going to be playing around with positioning in my trunk as well as box sizing in order to make sure the sub performs as I want it to. I am not a plug and play person when it comes to audio. However, later this week the whole car should be wired up and I should have a very loud, very wonderful sounding stereo. And yes, I will provide earplugs for those that request them. This whole process thrills me.

And finally, I have started ripping my 200+ CD's to MP3's on my computer. I haven't bought a CD in a long long time, other than local bands that I couldn't download. I think it's been at least 5 years, but probably longer, so this stuff is older and not as heavy as my current list of bands. Going down memory lane, I really got to wondering what happened to Econoline Crush (they got a lot of play this weekend when I found their CD's)? I also forgot how much I enjoy Silverchair's music, and quite enjoy their progression as songwriters as they matured. I also remembered how much the Punk of today sucks my ass, and how pre 2000 Punk is so fun to listen to. I mean, old Pennywise, Ten Foot Pole, No Use For A Name, No Fun At All, Lagwagon, Face To Face and so on are just fantastic bands to sit back and crank up. Let's not forget about Avail and Good Riddance... I mean, damn. Today's punk is not even punk, but watered down poppy music that somehow gets labelled Punk. It's just wrong. Oh yeah, and for those that think I'm close minded, I do have some electronic music like Prodigy and The Crystal Method, as well as Rap, but once again, it's all pre 2000 when Rap made sense to me. I won't start to comment on the current state of affairs with that genre.

I got through about 40 CD's last night, and discovered that my music drive (120 Gigabytes) is full. That is half of my computer solely dedicated to music. I've had to move things around in order to clear my 40 Gig drive so that I can start storing music on that drive. I am closing in on 17000 Mp3's on my computer and am happy to say that my FTP site is up and running again (yeah, I don't know what was wrong for a while there) and all this new (old) music is available to those that have access. If anyone else would like access, send me an email so we can discuss it.

Yeah, this post was really pointless, but I thought I'd let a few of my good friends know that I'm doing pretty well for the most part.

Gas

Can you believe that our gas prices have risen to $1.05.9/Litre. This week alone the prices have jumped 11 cents. I never thought it would actually get that high. Maybe I'll just run everywhere now.

Run Club

The first rule of run club... I must show up for run club.

Alright... so the time has come to start the running. It's all of 4 months too late, but it is starting. Suze and I are going to start running down at the river every weekday evening in hopes of getting into a little better shape for the winter sport season. I plan on getting back into soccer this winter, which is something I haven't done in 10 years because of a bad knee. I think I've just used that as a damn excuse, so I'm going to just go out, strap on my braces, and see what happens. However, I have to be in a little better shape than I currently am. I'm also putting together a volleyball team that I hope will be a little more competitive than our current beach team. We suck badly on the beach, and it's due to a couple of key players. I'm also hoping to get some tennis lessons in and hopefully start on racketball as well.

So, anyways... the summer of Kelly is finally starting to show signs of improvement. Or, at least in the exercise department.

Bleed

I'm feeling crossed
I take it inside
Burn up the pain
My thoughts are strange
Just like the things
I used to love
Just like the tree that fell
I heard it
If art is still inside
I feel it
I wanna bleed
Show the world all that I have inside
I wanna scream
Let the blood flow that keeps me alive
Take all these strings
They call my veins
Wrap them around
Every fucking thing
Presence of people
Not for me
Well I must remain in tune
Forever
My love is music
I will marry melody
I wanna bleed
Show the world all that I have inside
I wanna scream
Let the blood flow that keeps me alive
Won't you let me take you
For a ride
You can stop the world
Try to change my mind
Won't you let me show you
How it feels
You can stop the world
But you won't change me
I need music
I need music
I need music to set me free
To let me bleed

- Cold

Absolutely one of my favorite songs

Nine Inch Nails... OH YEAH

Well, as luck would have it, I have scored floor tickets to the Nine Inch Nails concert in Calgary. Actually, there really isn't any luck to it, just some knowledge of the Interweb and hanging out online until the tickets go on sale. It has honestly been a number of years since I've actually seen a concert from the seats. I have to admit that the floor and the pit are the only way to see a show. Maybe I should start charging out for my floor seat services. I could set up a couple of different accounts and order tickets for people with an added "Kelly Wellness" service charge.

I honestly think I might have an addiction to ticketmaster.ca. I think this is actually very similar to the ebay addiction that so many suffer from. Maybe I'll start ticketmaster annonymous club for those of us who have this addiction. Or, maybe I'm the only one.

I'm really just not thinking too well lately, so that's really why the posts are quite pointless. I'm actually slipping back into the lovely non-sleep patterns again. This is probably the biggest reason why I don't have a lot to say. I think it's time to snag a couple of jobs, and plan some travelling.

Update time I guess

The more i think the more i wish i’d, pushed stop then hit rewind
What i would give to have a day back then when no one really cares
I remember when we all used to
Kickback, take days off school
So many times i’ve smiled

- Bullet For My Valentine

It's been a little while since I've updated. I've most likely lost my disability insurance. I guess I'll be on EI while I figure out what to do with myself. I have to keep reminding myself that this is all for me, and that I'm developing into a better person during this process.

Upcoming shows that I'm looking forward to:
August 7: Into Eternity
August 11: Quo Vadis
August 10: Ultimate Power Duo (Because I'm supposed to try my luck with Amber)
September 7: Pearl Jam (Floor Tickets)
September 8: Scars Of Tomorrow, On Broken Wings
September 15: God Dethroned, Byzantine, Hell Within, Nightrage, Lilitu, Epoch Of Unlight
September 18: The Used, AlexisOnFire, Unearth
September 20: System Of A Down (Edmonton - Floor Tickets)
October 23: Cryptopsy, Suffocation, Aborted, Despised Icon
November 13: Vader, Decapitated, Dew Scented
November 17: Nine Inch Nails (Calgary - Floor tickets)

That's an awfully heavy list of shows, and I'm extremely excited as the only band on that list that I've seen is Into Eternity. Oh so excited.

Sadly, not a lot to say in this post. Maybe I'll write something with a little more worth later on today.