Anniversary...

Well, the day is here.

June 30, 2001, one of the most significant events in my life happened. That was the day that my uncle, Barry Pardell, was killed. He was riding his bike on the highway, something he loved to do, and had done for many years, when he was struck and killed instantly by a 72 year old lady at approximately 9am on a bright, sunny and very clear Saturday morning. He was, and still is my idol. He and I were going to start up a couple of entrepreneurial ventures that he had been working on for some time. He was also Vice President for 2 schools in the Calgary Catholic school system. But, more importantly than all of that, his family was the most important thing. The dedication to making vast amounts of time with the family was amazing.

Barry, my aunt Val, and my 2 cousins, Brett and Reese, had driven to Saskatchewan from Calgary for my cousin's Grade 12 graduation on the 29th. I was the only one in my family that did not attend the graduation and the party afterwards. The girl that I was dating at the time was struggling with the separation of her parents, and had asked if I could stay behind on Friday night because she had a very rough week. I agreed, and spent a quiet Friday night with her,while the rest of the family was celebrating and having a great time.

I got the phone call around 11am Saturday morning. My dad called to say they would not be home anytime soon. I could immediately tell that something was wrong, as there was a lot of emotion in his voice, and that is far from his normal behavior. He then told me that Barry had been killed. My parents were on their way home from Saturday morning, and came across the accident scene shortly after it had happened. The RCMP were already there, and when my parents stopped, there were asked to keep moving on. My dad asked if that was Barry, to which the office quietly responded that is was, and asked if my dad would identify the body. He did, and the RCMP officer followed my parent's back to my aunt's place to explain the news to my aunt. My dad asked me to wait around the phone for a while, as I may need to bring some things out there since my mom was going to go home with Val and the kids to Calgary. Being unemployed, and the only one not hungover from the previous night's party, I asked if I could do the driving, since it was at least an 8 hour drive, and that would allow my mom to be able to tend to my aunt if she could.

So, around 6pm, I arrived and we were pretty much ready to take off immediately to start the trip home. I seems like the second we started driving, it started to rain. Something that didn't stopped until a couple days later. I think the clouds had gotten wind of the importance of the loss that had happened that day and were showing their sorrow. I drove the van back to Calgary, which I think I knocked down to about 6.5 hours. It was a struggle to remain strong in front of my cousins, especially when my aunt would be silently crying for an extended period of time, and then suddenly ask "do you think he really crossed the yellow line?, and then very quickly she was able to answer the question her self, usually something like "No... He was always responsible enough to stay on the right side of the line... He would never cross it... Never". Other than that, she remained very quiet. This woman had just lost the love of her life. They had been together for 20 years, and the way they still held hands, danced and party's, and the way the were cuddled on the couch at that party showed a love that remained fresh and always strong.

We arrived in Calgary around 1am. We were then all supposed to find a bed and actually grab some sleep. I got into my bed, and laid awake the whole night, crying pretty much the majority of time until I came down around 5 am to start making breakfast. With very little food there, I went out and put together a decent group of breakfast groceries and made it home in time to cook food for everyone that was waking up. Maintainance of the food supply around there became one of my jobs. The most important came in the form of answering all phone calls, and all visitors, and relaying the information that Barry had been killed. In the 3 days that followed, I do realistically estimate that I passed on that information to probably 200 people. I had to continuously watch the complete shock and disbelief of their neighbors and friends. I even caught one guy as he struggled to remain balanced after I told him. I had to carry him into the house and let him sit on the stairs in the main entrance. Most peoples responses were very similar. Usually the first comment was how they could notbelieve it, followed by the reason they were calling or stopping by, and then how wonderful and amazing a person he really was. All in all, almost 2000 people showed up for his funeral. He also had 1/4 page tribute articles printed in the Calgary Herald and the Calgary Sun detailing his death, and a few of the many great aspects of his life. That is significant to say the least.

The body was transported from the accident scene to Regina, and because of the Canada day long weekend, the body would actually be unable to be returned to Calgary until significantly later than my aunt had wanted. One of the many friends of my aunt and uncle, a Doctor in Calgary, started on phone calls on Sunday evening, and by holiday Monday, the body was on it's way to Calgary. Just a small display of the support group that my Aunt had around her at this awful time.

I remained the "man" of the house for the first 3 days, doing my best to take care of everything so that my mom could look after her sister and the 2 kids. It was the toughest, and worst thing that I have ever had to do. And that's when it began.

This was the traumatic event in my life that triggered my sleep problems. I went the following 30 days with no, or very little sleep until I completely broke down, and was no longer able to function in any way. The first Doctor visit produced some sleeping pills, and I was to take them to try and develop a better sleeping pattern. I regained some amount of sleep, and was able to function a little better. I survived the funeral, but could not get the support that I required from my girlfriend at the time. As mentioned earlier, her parent's were splitting up, and having grown up in such a close family, this was tearing her apart. So, she was so tied up in her problems, and needed me to support her. However, I was tied up in my grief and newly developing issues, that I was unable to help her, and received little support from her. We dragged that stupid of our relationship on for 6 months. It was clearly over long before that time.

3.5 years had passed before my body finally gave up on allowing me to effectively deal with the insomnia, and other sleeping problems. I had been very productive in those years, and did not really see the sleep problems as a problem, but more an advantage because of the extra time it alloted me during the day. Sure, somedays I was wiped out, but those were common about every 2 weeks, and a sleeping pill, and a night of forced sleep would rejuvenate me so I could function for another week or so. If only it was that simple now.

Many people believe that I am my own worst enemy when it comes to this. Many have suggested that I need to lighten up and forget the past, as it is only negatively effecting my future. While this may be, I thnk it is quite apparent that letting go is just not that easy. I have been to 4 different therapists now for grief therapy, and all will agree that the grief actually seems to have been taken care of already. The truth is that I don't even concsiously think about this actual event at all anymore.

Those that end up reading this, please keep your many (in most cases, unprofessional) suggestions to yourself about how I can work passed this. The reason I ask that is because after 4 Psychologists, I have most likely heard them all. I am now moving on to Behavioural Psychiatrists... in fact, I see the first one on Monday. This one is to help deal with the depression/Bi-Polar related aspects of my current situation. I am in queue for a second Psychiatrist as well. The second one specializes in patients with sleeping disorders, more specifically, patients who suffer from insomnia. According to the sleep specialist that I saw last week, she has a very successful record of "training" people to sleep again. Again, negative comments towards Psychiastrists can be kept to yourself, as it is very apparent that I have gone through a lengthy and time consuming process to get to this point. It has been far from easy, and very expensive. I may be on disabilty insurance, but the benefits provided by my company fall way short in the area of reimbursing for Therapist related expences. I'm going broke from the cost of all of these visits.

I no longer believe that his death is causing my current struggles, but I fully believe that 4 years ago, it was the catalyst that started things. I do not believe that the proper amount of time was spent 4 years ago to properly adress the issues at hand. Had I pushed forward then with all of the testing and various opinions that I am persuing now, I believe I may be in a signiciantly better place right now. In the end, that was my own fault for believing that I was strong enough and ready to continue on. I think that I made a mistake in judging the level of help I needed at the time, but that is now in the past. Lalely, we've narrowed down the current problems enough that I have no doubt that a good solution is on the horizon. I am looking forward to it.

This is for you Barry. I love and miss you very much. I will toast a Corona for you today, and once again, celebrate the amazing life you lived. Thanks for all of the knowledge you passed on in the time that you were here.

P.S. This post was done under the influence of 2 prescrition sleeping pill that were taken 2+ hours ago. I should be passed out by now, however, it has probably just effected my grammar and spellling.

The Law and Ex Girlfriends

Those who know me, know that I am a lover, and not a fighter. I'm a peacekeeper by nature. I don't want to see my friends get into fights, and I certainly don't go out of my way to cause problems or attempt to hurt other people. This is my nature. I am capable of creating a comfortable, trusting environment very quickly when I meet people, and do my best to ensure that the trust given to me is never broken. I'm proud of my ability to do this. Even though I have I been burned by a lot of friends throughout my life, I still make an attempt to trust new people that I meet, even if that is a very difficult thing for me to do.

The problem with all of this is that people underestimate me once they have broken my trust or hurt me. That brings us to my most wonderful ex-girlfriend. For necessary reasons, I'll leave her nameless, because that really is not important. I was hanging out with some of her now ex-friends on Friday night and they informed me that she cheated on me numerous times early on in our relationship. I suspected she cheated on me towards the end, but never suspected that behavior in the beginning or the middle. Cheating is such a selfish behavior, and I always explain early on in my relationships that if the other person is going to behave like that, just call me before it happens and end the relationship... Plain and simple. I'll then walk away with no problems at all. However, to mislead me for an extended period of time, putting my health and safety at risk is inexcusable behavior. Although we have been broken up for some time now, I felt the need to make it known that this pissed me off, and that she should always think twice before she is going to knowingly hurt people. So... Friday night, I sent an email.

Stepping back just a little bit, my Ex has now become very involved in drugs. She has a 7 year old daughter, and is constantly high around her daughter. I have recently found out that she also gets high at work, and also acts as a middle level dealer. Someone in her position should be very careful with her treatment of other people, as there is a lot of information there that can cause her a lot of difficulties in life.

So, back to the email. I noted in the email that this pissed me off. I also believe I used the word "Slut" a couple of times, and then went on to note that Family Services had been informed of the environment that her child grows up in, and that I would be involving other agencies as I felt necessary, because her actions are nothing short of disgusting. A number of her friends also feel the same way I do, and are doing their part by informing the police and her work about her drug problems, so I am not alone in these feelings. Ultimately, the child is the one that we are concerned about, as she is unable to choose the lifestyle that she is living in. One could say I should leave well enough alone if I didn't want to deal with this kind of crap, but that child is absolutely wonderful, and I can not just sit by and watch while her selfish mother does her best to destroy her life.

Well, very early this morning, my Ex called a mutual friend stating that this email was being sent to a lawyer, and that she was going to sue me for slander, defamation of character and emotional distress. I got a call around 3am from this friend who was quite upset over this. For starters, I've taken a number of law classes at University. I know what I can do and what I can't do. Secondly, this particular email is neither slander, nor defamation of character. Slander is defamation of a person's reputation verbally in public (for example, if I got on the news and stated she was a slut). Libel is written public defamation of character (pay attention, as this was all defined in the Spiderman movie). This email is neither, because it was a private email to her... And only her. It is also not defamation of character, because I have not passed this on to anyone else... This is just me stating my opinion of her, to her. Thirdly... This is Canada. You can watch all the American BS television that you want, but our legal system is just not the same. In Canada, you just can't go around suing everyone under the sun who called you a slut. She called this mutual friend this afternoon, claiming that she was taking this email to the cops to press charges because I threatened to destroy her life. Well, the email also discusses her drug usage in there, along with the unhealthy environment she keeps her child in. She'll actually be doing me a favor by taking it down there, because the police will be involved at a later date anyways. Now, if by some crazy alignment of the stars she is actually able to press charges, I will get a phone call, and a "you shouldn't say things like that" talk to by a cop. Nothing More. I am also familiar with all of this, because I have had to press charges of assault against another ex-girlfriend because she smashed glasses and ashtrays over my head at a bar one night. If very little happened to her, then nothing will happen to me. On top of it all, if you look at my life, there is absolutely nothing that she can do to get back at me, apart from vandalizing my car. I honestly have nothing... other than fantastic friends who would never believe any negative thing that anyone said about me. My character is safe.

I do find this humorous... But also so sad because, I wasted time on a person like this. Truly one of those things I'm looking back on wondering why. At least I'll be able to just note this as a "what not to do" for the future, and try not to hold this part of my life against people in the future. However, there is honestly a reason why I remain single most of the time.

What did I write here?

I'm in a very interesting time of discovery in my life. Not many 28 year olds are able to go on disability for the entire summer in order to deal with some personal issues. On the outside, there is nothing physically wrong with me, which seems to confuse a lot of people when they find out that I am not actually working. The inside is very different. While the insurance company has continued to provide me with money, I believe it is going to start becoming more difficult to convince them that there is a reason why I can't work.

Currently, my sleep issues continue to plague me. An overnight sleep study last week returned the results that there is physically nothing wrong with my sleep. They could provide no reason why I wake up multiple times during the night, and an extended stay the next day for a few naps proved that I do not suffer from narcolepsy. So, after waiting for many months, I was told there is nothing wrong with me. What am I left with? Apparently, the only thing left is to wait for the behavioral psychologist to be available with for an appointment. In the meantime, I've been given prescription sleeping pills in hopes of correcting this ridiculous sleep pattern that has developed. According to the pharmacist, one 5 mg pill will be enough to put me to sleep for 6 - 8 hours, and I should wake up refreshed. After one week, the results have varied greatly. I have had a few nights of 8 hour sleeps, a couple 4 hour sleeps and some in between. On top of this, I have reached complete exhaustion in the afternoons, and have not yet been able to go an entire day without sleeping during the day. This is extremely strange, concidering my main sleep problem is insomnia. Also strange is the fact that the anti-depressants are supposed to cause insomnia, and yet I'm spending more time "sleeping" than I have in many years. However, the results continue to be the same... I'm completely exhausted every day, and each day continues to be a struggle.

Then last night, I had a wonderful night of NO sleep... Even with the sleeping pill, and after playing almost 2 hours of Volleyball. These are potent drugs to say the least. Usually, 1 will knock me out in under 30 minutes. Pretty impressive stuff. Last night, however, I didn't end up being put to sleep, and was left in a paralyzed state for about 3 hours. I was able to finally get out of bed around 3 am, and proceeded to walk into almost everything on my way to the bathroom. I went back to bed to attempt to lay down again, but that didn't produce any favorable results. So, I took a second pill around 5 am, crossing my fingers that I would maybe sleep until noon. Once again, no sleep, and I'm finally somewhat coherent about 10 hours later. I feel awful.

My memory has taken a turn for the worse in the last few months. Today, I can't remember anything that happened yesterday, except that I played volleyball. The entire rest of the day is a complete blur. It very much resembles a night of heavy drinking, and waking up the next morning with a bunch of black spots, only I don't have to deal with an alcohol hangover. This is a pattern that I've seen worsen over the last 2 months. I have been told that my memory and my focus and concentration will return as my sleep improves. In the meantime, it is very frustrating being unable to remember most of my days. I have resorted to keeping notes about each day, in hopes that reading the journal each morning will allow me to store some of these notes as memories. Thus far, I have not noticed much benefit from it, but I'm going to continue to use it. I also have to maintain a checklist for my daily activities. You'd think since I've been going through my wake-up routine for 28 years now, I'd have it memorized, but apparently not. So, I have a spreadsheet that I check off each morning to make sure that I've taken vitamins, eaten breakfast, blah, blah, blah. I've been working on something a little more up my alley, and am most likey going to get a palmpilot and see if I can't make this a little more automated. Wish me luck, and hope that I can keep focused on that task.

So, this brings us to the problem of the insurance company. I am on a disability leave, stating that I am completely unable to work, which both of my doctors have been able to successfully back up from all of our consultations. The problem is that the insurance company is apparently not a fan of paying out money (surprise), and is therefore becoming quite upset about my continuing application for more insurance. If I had cracked open my skull, then there would be physical evidence that I would be unable to work. If I had cancer and was stuck in the hospital, again, the physical evidence would be there. Instead, we can only take my word that I'm not able to productively work. The sleep study will probably work against me, because physically, there is nothing wrong with my sleep patterns. I guess we will see next week what the company decides to do with me. Thankfully, my doctors are very willing to fight for me.

It does make me sad that I can't always remember the time or conversations that I shared with close friends. I know the really close friends completely understand, and don't hold any of this against me, and for that I love them.

One thing is for sure... I have learned to cherish the few memories that I'm actually able to recall.

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this is just a test... I will be updating the appearance of the blog as I feel motivated... afterall, I am a computer geek, so why should mine look like a boring old template.