And so it happened...
So... my mom has been bugging me to stop by her office and network an extra computer so it could have access to the network printer. Under normal conditions, this would take me a couple of minutes, maybe half an hour at the most. Today... I managed to completely wipe out the existing network (I don't even know how it happened to tell you the truth) and in the end spent 3 hours reparing the existing network instead. Most likely, I fucked something up. I don't really know how, but everything was fine yesterday afternoon, and suddenly with me in there the computers were no longer networked. So, after 3.5 hours of work, I managed to leave the network exactly how it was, and came home for lunch.
To top it off, just as I arrived home, my insurance bitch called to let me know they have not received anything from my Doctors in order to extend my benefits. It was quite obvious when she called me that there was something wrong, and so she asked. So, I just explained my frustration and how I broke the network at my mom's office. I'm an idiot... I really am. So, then she's says to me "it sounds like you're able to be working if you're doing that kind of stuff for your mom". I just sat there on the phone for a second and said "apparently, I'm not capable of doing that stuff since I managed to fuck up connecting a computer into the hub." So, she explained that I have to get my doctors to send that shit in at my expense so that I can get paid by next week. As it stands, because it wasn't in by today, I probably won't get a cheque until 2 weeks from now. FUCK.
And that's when it happened. I just finished with the biggest emotional breakdown I've had since April. I haven't been able to cry at all... and this afternoon I couldn't stop it. I'm miserable. I'm posting here because, in a strange turn of events, anyone that I would turn to is actually working. I just want this shit over with. I'm not suicidal at all, so I'm not going to end up killing myself. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't know what I'm doing half the time, and the other half of the time I'll forget a few minutes later. I can hardly remember anything that's been happening lately, and that's causing me so much stress. FUCK. I have these fuzzy memories about yesterday... some of the day is there, but I just can't see most of it. I know that I spent 2 hours at the pool, but I don't remember being there. I know that I went out for a drink with Brandi, but I don't remember being there. How the fuck can I know this shit, but not remember it? Ask me to recall Monday, and it's not there at all now. It's only been 2 days, and I'm no longer able to recall anything from that day. I have to read a fucking book of notes that I've made to know what I've done in my life. FUCK.
I'm on a double dosage of sleeping pills, and last night they didn't do much for me. I've seen this pattern before. The original dosage of 5 mg worked for about a week, then my body got used to them, and they stopped working... just kind of paralyzed me so that movement was very difficult, and very uncoordinated. Well, here we are on double the dosage, and although I did sleep a little bit, it wasn't for very long. I'm able to last close to 2 hours before they take effect. That is just not supposed to happen. I am betting that tonight they will fail completely. My afternoon naps haven't been happening either. My body is telling me it's exhausted, but when I lay down like it wants, I get nothing. What are they gonna do with me? Give me 15mg of those pills and expect me to be able to function at all throughout the day? But really, how would that be any different from my life right now?
Today is not the first day that I wanted to cry, but it is the first day that I was actually able to. I don't think I like that at all. I would prefer to be emotional. But my emotions just get too high or too low, so they have to be controlled somehow, as I don't think I'm capable. Although, if we look at today, this is a pretty big low triggered by the fact that I just can't do much of the things that used to come so easy to me. It's no wonder I don't start anything new... I'll most likely end up stressing myself out and breaking down.
I'll reiterate that I'm not suicidal... some people may feel the need to comment on the fact that it sounds like I am. This is just a huge fucking vent because for the most part I can't ever seem to do it anymore. I'm taking this opportunity while the emotions are still here to get it all out. I'll probably be numb again in a few hours, and by tomorrow will have forgotten that this happened. So, at least there is a record of it.
I'm going to go lay outside, burn the rest of my body that isn't already red and blast some death metal.
Right now, it sucks to be me.
To top it off, just as I arrived home, my insurance bitch called to let me know they have not received anything from my Doctors in order to extend my benefits. It was quite obvious when she called me that there was something wrong, and so she asked. So, I just explained my frustration and how I broke the network at my mom's office. I'm an idiot... I really am. So, then she's says to me "it sounds like you're able to be working if you're doing that kind of stuff for your mom". I just sat there on the phone for a second and said "apparently, I'm not capable of doing that stuff since I managed to fuck up connecting a computer into the hub." So, she explained that I have to get my doctors to send that shit in at my expense so that I can get paid by next week. As it stands, because it wasn't in by today, I probably won't get a cheque until 2 weeks from now. FUCK.
And that's when it happened. I just finished with the biggest emotional breakdown I've had since April. I haven't been able to cry at all... and this afternoon I couldn't stop it. I'm miserable. I'm posting here because, in a strange turn of events, anyone that I would turn to is actually working. I just want this shit over with. I'm not suicidal at all, so I'm not going to end up killing myself. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't know what I'm doing half the time, and the other half of the time I'll forget a few minutes later. I can hardly remember anything that's been happening lately, and that's causing me so much stress. FUCK. I have these fuzzy memories about yesterday... some of the day is there, but I just can't see most of it. I know that I spent 2 hours at the pool, but I don't remember being there. I know that I went out for a drink with Brandi, but I don't remember being there. How the fuck can I know this shit, but not remember it? Ask me to recall Monday, and it's not there at all now. It's only been 2 days, and I'm no longer able to recall anything from that day. I have to read a fucking book of notes that I've made to know what I've done in my life. FUCK.
I'm on a double dosage of sleeping pills, and last night they didn't do much for me. I've seen this pattern before. The original dosage of 5 mg worked for about a week, then my body got used to them, and they stopped working... just kind of paralyzed me so that movement was very difficult, and very uncoordinated. Well, here we are on double the dosage, and although I did sleep a little bit, it wasn't for very long. I'm able to last close to 2 hours before they take effect. That is just not supposed to happen. I am betting that tonight they will fail completely. My afternoon naps haven't been happening either. My body is telling me it's exhausted, but when I lay down like it wants, I get nothing. What are they gonna do with me? Give me 15mg of those pills and expect me to be able to function at all throughout the day? But really, how would that be any different from my life right now?
Today is not the first day that I wanted to cry, but it is the first day that I was actually able to. I don't think I like that at all. I would prefer to be emotional. But my emotions just get too high or too low, so they have to be controlled somehow, as I don't think I'm capable. Although, if we look at today, this is a pretty big low triggered by the fact that I just can't do much of the things that used to come so easy to me. It's no wonder I don't start anything new... I'll most likely end up stressing myself out and breaking down.
I'll reiterate that I'm not suicidal... some people may feel the need to comment on the fact that it sounds like I am. This is just a huge fucking vent because for the most part I can't ever seem to do it anymore. I'm taking this opportunity while the emotions are still here to get it all out. I'll probably be numb again in a few hours, and by tomorrow will have forgotten that this happened. So, at least there is a record of it.
I'm going to go lay outside, burn the rest of my body that isn't already red and blast some death metal.
Right now, it sucks to be me.
posted by Kelly at 1:02 PM
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