What did I write here?
I'm in a very interesting time of discovery in my life. Not many 28 year olds are able to go on disability for the entire summer in order to deal with some personal issues. On the outside, there is nothing physically wrong with me, which seems to confuse a lot of people when they find out that I am not actually working. The inside is very different. While the insurance company has continued to provide me with money, I believe it is going to start becoming more difficult to convince them that there is a reason why I can't work.
Currently, my sleep issues continue to plague me. An overnight sleep study last week returned the results that there is physically nothing wrong with my sleep. They could provide no reason why I wake up multiple times during the night, and an extended stay the next day for a few naps proved that I do not suffer from narcolepsy. So, after waiting for many months, I was told there is nothing wrong with me. What am I left with? Apparently, the only thing left is to wait for the behavioral psychologist to be available with for an appointment. In the meantime, I've been given prescription sleeping pills in hopes of correcting this ridiculous sleep pattern that has developed. According to the pharmacist, one 5 mg pill will be enough to put me to sleep for 6 - 8 hours, and I should wake up refreshed. After one week, the results have varied greatly. I have had a few nights of 8 hour sleeps, a couple 4 hour sleeps and some in between. On top of this, I have reached complete exhaustion in the afternoons, and have not yet been able to go an entire day without sleeping during the day. This is extremely strange, concidering my main sleep problem is insomnia. Also strange is the fact that the anti-depressants are supposed to cause insomnia, and yet I'm spending more time "sleeping" than I have in many years. However, the results continue to be the same... I'm completely exhausted every day, and each day continues to be a struggle.
Then last night, I had a wonderful night of NO sleep... Even with the sleeping pill, and after playing almost 2 hours of Volleyball. These are potent drugs to say the least. Usually, 1 will knock me out in under 30 minutes. Pretty impressive stuff. Last night, however, I didn't end up being put to sleep, and was left in a paralyzed state for about 3 hours. I was able to finally get out of bed around 3 am, and proceeded to walk into almost everything on my way to the bathroom. I went back to bed to attempt to lay down again, but that didn't produce any favorable results. So, I took a second pill around 5 am, crossing my fingers that I would maybe sleep until noon. Once again, no sleep, and I'm finally somewhat coherent about 10 hours later. I feel awful.
My memory has taken a turn for the worse in the last few months. Today, I can't remember anything that happened yesterday, except that I played volleyball. The entire rest of the day is a complete blur. It very much resembles a night of heavy drinking, and waking up the next morning with a bunch of black spots, only I don't have to deal with an alcohol hangover. This is a pattern that I've seen worsen over the last 2 months. I have been told that my memory and my focus and concentration will return as my sleep improves. In the meantime, it is very frustrating being unable to remember most of my days. I have resorted to keeping notes about each day, in hopes that reading the journal each morning will allow me to store some of these notes as memories. Thus far, I have not noticed much benefit from it, but I'm going to continue to use it. I also have to maintain a checklist for my daily activities. You'd think since I've been going through my wake-up routine for 28 years now, I'd have it memorized, but apparently not. So, I have a spreadsheet that I check off each morning to make sure that I've taken vitamins, eaten breakfast, blah, blah, blah. I've been working on something a little more up my alley, and am most likey going to get a palmpilot and see if I can't make this a little more automated. Wish me luck, and hope that I can keep focused on that task.
So, this brings us to the problem of the insurance company. I am on a disability leave, stating that I am completely unable to work, which both of my doctors have been able to successfully back up from all of our consultations. The problem is that the insurance company is apparently not a fan of paying out money (surprise), and is therefore becoming quite upset about my continuing application for more insurance. If I had cracked open my skull, then there would be physical evidence that I would be unable to work. If I had cancer and was stuck in the hospital, again, the physical evidence would be there. Instead, we can only take my word that I'm not able to productively work. The sleep study will probably work against me, because physically, there is nothing wrong with my sleep patterns. I guess we will see next week what the company decides to do with me. Thankfully, my doctors are very willing to fight for me.
It does make me sad that I can't always remember the time or conversations that I shared with close friends. I know the really close friends completely understand, and don't hold any of this against me, and for that I love them.
One thing is for sure... I have learned to cherish the few memories that I'm actually able to recall.
Currently, my sleep issues continue to plague me. An overnight sleep study last week returned the results that there is physically nothing wrong with my sleep. They could provide no reason why I wake up multiple times during the night, and an extended stay the next day for a few naps proved that I do not suffer from narcolepsy. So, after waiting for many months, I was told there is nothing wrong with me. What am I left with? Apparently, the only thing left is to wait for the behavioral psychologist to be available with for an appointment. In the meantime, I've been given prescription sleeping pills in hopes of correcting this ridiculous sleep pattern that has developed. According to the pharmacist, one 5 mg pill will be enough to put me to sleep for 6 - 8 hours, and I should wake up refreshed. After one week, the results have varied greatly. I have had a few nights of 8 hour sleeps, a couple 4 hour sleeps and some in between. On top of this, I have reached complete exhaustion in the afternoons, and have not yet been able to go an entire day without sleeping during the day. This is extremely strange, concidering my main sleep problem is insomnia. Also strange is the fact that the anti-depressants are supposed to cause insomnia, and yet I'm spending more time "sleeping" than I have in many years. However, the results continue to be the same... I'm completely exhausted every day, and each day continues to be a struggle.
Then last night, I had a wonderful night of NO sleep... Even with the sleeping pill, and after playing almost 2 hours of Volleyball. These are potent drugs to say the least. Usually, 1 will knock me out in under 30 minutes. Pretty impressive stuff. Last night, however, I didn't end up being put to sleep, and was left in a paralyzed state for about 3 hours. I was able to finally get out of bed around 3 am, and proceeded to walk into almost everything on my way to the bathroom. I went back to bed to attempt to lay down again, but that didn't produce any favorable results. So, I took a second pill around 5 am, crossing my fingers that I would maybe sleep until noon. Once again, no sleep, and I'm finally somewhat coherent about 10 hours later. I feel awful.
My memory has taken a turn for the worse in the last few months. Today, I can't remember anything that happened yesterday, except that I played volleyball. The entire rest of the day is a complete blur. It very much resembles a night of heavy drinking, and waking up the next morning with a bunch of black spots, only I don't have to deal with an alcohol hangover. This is a pattern that I've seen worsen over the last 2 months. I have been told that my memory and my focus and concentration will return as my sleep improves. In the meantime, it is very frustrating being unable to remember most of my days. I have resorted to keeping notes about each day, in hopes that reading the journal each morning will allow me to store some of these notes as memories. Thus far, I have not noticed much benefit from it, but I'm going to continue to use it. I also have to maintain a checklist for my daily activities. You'd think since I've been going through my wake-up routine for 28 years now, I'd have it memorized, but apparently not. So, I have a spreadsheet that I check off each morning to make sure that I've taken vitamins, eaten breakfast, blah, blah, blah. I've been working on something a little more up my alley, and am most likey going to get a palmpilot and see if I can't make this a little more automated. Wish me luck, and hope that I can keep focused on that task.
So, this brings us to the problem of the insurance company. I am on a disability leave, stating that I am completely unable to work, which both of my doctors have been able to successfully back up from all of our consultations. The problem is that the insurance company is apparently not a fan of paying out money (surprise), and is therefore becoming quite upset about my continuing application for more insurance. If I had cracked open my skull, then there would be physical evidence that I would be unable to work. If I had cancer and was stuck in the hospital, again, the physical evidence would be there. Instead, we can only take my word that I'm not able to productively work. The sleep study will probably work against me, because physically, there is nothing wrong with my sleep patterns. I guess we will see next week what the company decides to do with me. Thankfully, my doctors are very willing to fight for me.
It does make me sad that I can't always remember the time or conversations that I shared with close friends. I know the really close friends completely understand, and don't hold any of this against me, and for that I love them.
One thing is for sure... I have learned to cherish the few memories that I'm actually able to recall.
posted by Kelly at 3:40 PM
2 Comments:
Kelly,
I applaud your courage and abilty to articulate the challanges you are facing with insomnia. I hope that some of the readers will better understand your reality.
Hugs,
Angela
Brandi says:
We should start a support system/fundraising outfit for sleep research and public awareness. It's total bullshit that just because you can't SEE the "tumour" with an x-ray, that means there's nothing wrong...Yep, something like that alcholism campaign they had when we were growing up, with psa's and posters and crap...
Yikes. got a bit nasty there. But the fact of the matter is that people are ignorant - unless it's happened to them (because let's face it, even our friends and family don't really get it, much as they would probably like to). If I was better at science and math-type stuff, I would make this my personal crusade. But alas, I am a math-challenged slacker, who, despite the fact that I only sleep about 3 hrs a night, still has no time to undertake such a project...
That ended up somewhere other than I intended it to. Guess it's time for a nap...
Love,
Bran
p.s. I'm not willing to commit any crimes per say...but I know a few sketchy dudes who probably wouldn't mind doing a little firebombing of your insurance company...JUST KIDDING. DON'T HAVE ME ARRESTED, PLEASE!
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