I missed me
This blog has often been a place for me to vent about the various health difficulties that I've been dealing with over the previous year. I actually started doing this based on some encouragement from some of my friends who blog there lives. There has often been periods where I just could not write anything because the mood just wasn't there. This mood often tends to pull me away from people as well. It's not because I want to isolate myself, but it is much more on an introspective period for me and no one else can offer any sort of help during those times. That's definately "me" time, and lately there has been a whole lot of that.
Recently I've really started noticing something. I'm happy. It is a strange thing to openly declare because most people that do not know me very well would be extremely surprised by the inner struggles that are happening. However, it is something that I can undoubtedly state without any hesitations right now. I've made a huge journey over the last year to arrive at the point that I am at right now.
1 year ago things started to fall apart at the company I was working for. A lot of things started stressing me out with the company, most of which was beyond my control. As the job got worse, and my ability to make a dent in any of the stress lessened, I found myself falling into a depression that I was basically helpless against. This continued to worsen until February and finally March brought about the lowest point I had ever seen. I would basically show up for work, sit there with programs open on my computer, avoid phonecalls and leave work the second my 8 hours was over. When I got home I would crawl into bed with movies playing and just lay there. My apartment was a disgusting mess that I just stepped over on my way to bed, and I often went with lunch being my only meal of the day... usually consisting of a sandwich. I neglected almost every aspect of my health, which only made matters worse with my depression. I knew I was in it, but I could not pull myself out of this darkness. I was just pulled further and further down.
At the end of March I started my cry for help. Being a very strong, independant individual makes me extremely stubborn to openly tell people that I can't do things. I usually power through everything in my life, but this was something that I just wasn't strong enough to do myself. In March it was 2 people that I turned to initially. One was a friend who has been around for abour 4 years, and the other was a new friend who I had only known for about 6 months at this time. I know both of them very well, and know that they both have their own struggles that often times reflected my own. This is probably why I was able to ask them before anyone else.
Everything changed on April 14th. I had almost no passion for life what-so-ever, unless there was a concert and mosh pit rolling through Saskatchewan. On this day it was AlexisOnFire and Rise Against playing in Regina. My ticket was a birthday present from Brandi, but we had to drive almost 3 hours to the show on a Tuesday night, and then made the plans to drive back home afterwards. Since we were living in different places, we met and left her car in a small town and we took my car to Regina. Something happened that night that remains unexplainable. The show was excellent, and we started our way back around 11:30 pm. We were just talking like we always do, but the conversation took a turn towards depressions, the things we were struggling with and finally, solutions to these things. By the time I got home, I had an incredible strengthening. I didn't go to bed, but instead composed an email to my parents explaining everything, and asking for support for what I was about to do. I went to work that day, and then had a conference call with the folks... it went extremely well.
Only days later, I was placed on medical leave from work which would end up lasting close to 6 months before I terminated the benefits. I had no intention of ever going back to the job, but the medical benefits were too good to pass up. I moved into my parent's place solely because I could not take care of myself properly. I just didn't care enough to make an effort. I started seeing my family physician almost weekly, along with a Psychologist. My physician started sending out referrals, but anyone who had dealt with the medical system knows that it takes a long time to see the specialists. At this point in time, some 7 or 8 months later, I am finally getting appointments with most of those doctors. In the next month I am booked in with 3 new specialists, with there area of expertise ranging from sleep therapy to Phsychiatry and hopefully in the new year I'll have one with a neurologist. We're going to find something out.
After 8 months, my health has changed, but not always for the best. I have a headache that is always present. Only when it gets quite bad do I bother taking anything for it. I basically do my best to ignore it most of the time, but it does disable me occasionally. I missed 5 days of work last month because I could not leave my house, and 2 days last week for the same reason. The new job is very understanding, which is amazing. I suffer from extreme exhaustion. I basically spend most of my energy on work, and a lot of my remaining time is spent recovering and trying to keep my energy level up for anything else that I have to do. I don't go out a lot anymore. I used to be a very social person, but it's too rough on my body to do that with any sort of frequency. I still suffer from a cold that's been hanging around for close to 2 months. So, I'm still struggling in a lot of ways. However, that brings me to the whole point of this post.
I have regained something that I lost a long time ago. People I've met recently probably have not seen this part of me, but old friends will know what I'm talking about. I have a bounce in my step that I haven't had in a while. I've got my real smile back, not the fake one used to mislead people. My laughter is that of pure entertainment, instead of a cover-up. I have my motivation and my energy, and I am started to regain a lot of my dreams and desires again. My enthusiasm for life is something that I haven't experienced in many months. I am actually, honestly, a drug-free happy right now. And it's addicting.
I'm not happy with where my health is. I'm not happy about my financial situation. I'm not happy about a lot of external things. But, I am happy inside. Nothing fake about it. Nothing built up as a defence to protect myself and others. I'm just excited about things again.
I have this stupid grin right now. It's been plastered on my face for more than a week now. The only time it disappears is when my real smile and laugh eclipses it. It's a great thing.
I really did miss me. And I look forward to getting to know me again. I'm sure I'll be adding more shortly.
Recently I've really started noticing something. I'm happy. It is a strange thing to openly declare because most people that do not know me very well would be extremely surprised by the inner struggles that are happening. However, it is something that I can undoubtedly state without any hesitations right now. I've made a huge journey over the last year to arrive at the point that I am at right now.
1 year ago things started to fall apart at the company I was working for. A lot of things started stressing me out with the company, most of which was beyond my control. As the job got worse, and my ability to make a dent in any of the stress lessened, I found myself falling into a depression that I was basically helpless against. This continued to worsen until February and finally March brought about the lowest point I had ever seen. I would basically show up for work, sit there with programs open on my computer, avoid phonecalls and leave work the second my 8 hours was over. When I got home I would crawl into bed with movies playing and just lay there. My apartment was a disgusting mess that I just stepped over on my way to bed, and I often went with lunch being my only meal of the day... usually consisting of a sandwich. I neglected almost every aspect of my health, which only made matters worse with my depression. I knew I was in it, but I could not pull myself out of this darkness. I was just pulled further and further down.
At the end of March I started my cry for help. Being a very strong, independant individual makes me extremely stubborn to openly tell people that I can't do things. I usually power through everything in my life, but this was something that I just wasn't strong enough to do myself. In March it was 2 people that I turned to initially. One was a friend who has been around for abour 4 years, and the other was a new friend who I had only known for about 6 months at this time. I know both of them very well, and know that they both have their own struggles that often times reflected my own. This is probably why I was able to ask them before anyone else.
Everything changed on April 14th. I had almost no passion for life what-so-ever, unless there was a concert and mosh pit rolling through Saskatchewan. On this day it was AlexisOnFire and Rise Against playing in Regina. My ticket was a birthday present from Brandi, but we had to drive almost 3 hours to the show on a Tuesday night, and then made the plans to drive back home afterwards. Since we were living in different places, we met and left her car in a small town and we took my car to Regina. Something happened that night that remains unexplainable. The show was excellent, and we started our way back around 11:30 pm. We were just talking like we always do, but the conversation took a turn towards depressions, the things we were struggling with and finally, solutions to these things. By the time I got home, I had an incredible strengthening. I didn't go to bed, but instead composed an email to my parents explaining everything, and asking for support for what I was about to do. I went to work that day, and then had a conference call with the folks... it went extremely well.
Only days later, I was placed on medical leave from work which would end up lasting close to 6 months before I terminated the benefits. I had no intention of ever going back to the job, but the medical benefits were too good to pass up. I moved into my parent's place solely because I could not take care of myself properly. I just didn't care enough to make an effort. I started seeing my family physician almost weekly, along with a Psychologist. My physician started sending out referrals, but anyone who had dealt with the medical system knows that it takes a long time to see the specialists. At this point in time, some 7 or 8 months later, I am finally getting appointments with most of those doctors. In the next month I am booked in with 3 new specialists, with there area of expertise ranging from sleep therapy to Phsychiatry and hopefully in the new year I'll have one with a neurologist. We're going to find something out.
After 8 months, my health has changed, but not always for the best. I have a headache that is always present. Only when it gets quite bad do I bother taking anything for it. I basically do my best to ignore it most of the time, but it does disable me occasionally. I missed 5 days of work last month because I could not leave my house, and 2 days last week for the same reason. The new job is very understanding, which is amazing. I suffer from extreme exhaustion. I basically spend most of my energy on work, and a lot of my remaining time is spent recovering and trying to keep my energy level up for anything else that I have to do. I don't go out a lot anymore. I used to be a very social person, but it's too rough on my body to do that with any sort of frequency. I still suffer from a cold that's been hanging around for close to 2 months. So, I'm still struggling in a lot of ways. However, that brings me to the whole point of this post.
I have regained something that I lost a long time ago. People I've met recently probably have not seen this part of me, but old friends will know what I'm talking about. I have a bounce in my step that I haven't had in a while. I've got my real smile back, not the fake one used to mislead people. My laughter is that of pure entertainment, instead of a cover-up. I have my motivation and my energy, and I am started to regain a lot of my dreams and desires again. My enthusiasm for life is something that I haven't experienced in many months. I am actually, honestly, a drug-free happy right now. And it's addicting.
I'm not happy with where my health is. I'm not happy about my financial situation. I'm not happy about a lot of external things. But, I am happy inside. Nothing fake about it. Nothing built up as a defence to protect myself and others. I'm just excited about things again.
I have this stupid grin right now. It's been plastered on my face for more than a week now. The only time it disappears is when my real smile and laugh eclipses it. It's a great thing.
I really did miss me. And I look forward to getting to know me again. I'm sure I'll be adding more shortly.
posted by Kelly at 8:49 AM
2 Comments:
Dear Kelly,
Welcome back, pleased to re-meet you, my dear friend.
Hugs,
Angela
Hey P-tard,
I missed you too. I hope my little incident Sunday didn't wrench things up for you. I really did have a great time, and I was very, very glad to see you truly enjoying yourself. The location wasn't the only thing that reminded me of the Alexisonfire show ;)
I love you. Sorry I was kind of a bum. I promise I'll do better next time.
B.
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